Those who ask aren’t you over it by now? Those who expect you to have moved on. Those who cannot fathom how something so minor can have such an effect on you, still. Those people? Those people will never get it. Those people will never understand. Those people may never be educated otherwise. Because to those people, what you went through was nothing. No big deal. No reason to complain. Or, it was so awful, so horrid and so terrifying that you should really be mindful of scaring other women. You cannot win.
You cannot win because birth trauma already claimed the victory. While you were sleeping, or screaming, or crying, or nothing, birth trauma was there. Seeping through your life, into your being and around your soul. and it’s a long and lonely road. Because even I fall to get it sometimes. Even I struggle to comprehend the enormity, how much my life has changed. How much I have changed. And I’m sick, and tired, of feeling like I need to explain. Or apologise. Or pretend. And I’m so, so sick and tired of feeling this way. Of being embarrassed and ashamed of who I am. (more…)
It’s 3am. The house is still, quiet, sleeping. The clock in the hallway downstairs ticks softly: one two, one two, one… two. Outside, a cat mewls softly and a bottle falls onto hard ground, tinkling faintly in the distance. Between us is a door. Solid, yet thin enough to hear his breathing. Rasping and uneven. Faltering. Fragile. Underneath me the carpet starts to sag and I shift my legs slightly, trying to conserve warmth but failing miserably. It’s hours until the heating will kick in and anyway, nobody else is up so why heat the house?
And I wait.
He’ll wake soon. And it will all begin again. And I’ll sob quietly into the darkness because I know that this night will be exactly like every other night. Except that this night might be the night that breaks me. Finally I will fall, shattered. A million tiny pieces of useless motherhood splintering onto the ground. Swept away with the rubbish. Gone. Forgotten? Probably. Hopefully. (more…)
Regular readers will know that poor old elsie suffers from a cow’s milk protein allergy, and she also has a steroid inhaler to treat restricted airways too. On top of that, I suspect she’s suffering from hay fever also- I suffer, and allergies tend to run in the family, so it would come as no great surprise really. So when Philips asked if I would like to try out some products from their new anti allergen range, I agreed readily; anything to ease discomfort and *possibly* help Elsie (and us!) get some better sleep! We were sent the Power Pro Aqua 2 in 1 wet and dry cordless vacuum cleaner, the Power Pro Anti Allergen Bagless Cylinder vacuum cleaner, the 3000 Series Air Purifier with NanoProtect filter. and the Dust Mite Hand Held vacuum cleaner -and this is what we thought.
The Anti Allergen range
First of all, I love that Philips have brought out a range of products specially for combatting allergens in the home. For me, its the peace of mind that I’m doing everything I can to fight allergens for Elsie and I, and my eldest too who also suffers. Ghostwriterdaddy also reacts quite badly to dust, and since our cleaner went on maternity leave right around the time the products arrived it really was great timing. Philips say they intend to “innovate to enrich lives” and that ” It’s often said that a healthy home is a happy one: if you feel good, life becomes that much more fun to live for you and your family.” and I love that philosophy. The products are designed to help families manage the allergen levels in the home- ” The unique allergen filtration combined with powerful performance helps to filter up to 99% of allergens like pollen, pet dander, dust and dust mites to help you keep your home clean and healthy and protect your family.” (more…)
The newborn days are intense. Long, hard and drawn out- often with little room to breathe, to exhale and to truly appreciate what you have. The days are filled with nappies, endless feeds, laundry loads and missed sleep. Some days are better than others, but mostly- at first- you are completely and utterly tethered to that little person. That little person needs you. That little person relies on you. That little person is your reason for existing. And sometimes, that’s so hard to accept. So hard to place this new life alongside your old life, and move on without hiccups. Without regrets. Without a yearning for those free and easy days of being responsible for just yourself. Those magical days of freedom and fun and feeling like a person rather than a machine. (more…)