Those two blue lines

On Wednesday December 16th 2009, I spoke on the telephone with my sister. It was the day after I had returned from the hospital with my new son. Still in shock, I told her that I was never going to have any more children after this. I felt so angry- cheated of my dreams of a big family. But there was no way I was ever EVER going through that again. The trauma of his birth, the fear and the anxiety of being in the hospital and the absolutely agonising, searing hot pain of a second c-section… it all culminated into a ball of nausea in my stomach. I couldn’t do it again.

It was this conversation that sprang to mind as those two blue lines appeared in the control window of the pregnancy test. It was those words “Never again” that seemed so naiive all of a sudden.

Yes, that’s right. I am ten weeks pregnant.

So we’re doing it again. The hugs I gave my children later that day were so bitter sweet. What was going to happen to them this time? How would I manage to deal with the trials of a new pregnancy when the tribulations of the previous birth were still making themselves known?

This is my journey towards recovery, I can see that now. Here is where I finally make peace with it all and move on with my family. The things I know now, the things I have been through… it’s all brought me here. I owe it to my son to move forward with this pregnancy and to finally have a positive birth- the birth we all deserve.

From this point, although I have known about the pregnancy for a while, Ghostwritermummy must change. Like all things, we are evolving and moving forward. I feel now, more than ever, that Ghostwritermummy is going to prove its worth as my own personal therapy.

So how do I make sure that birth trauma doesn’t hold me back this time and take me back to that dark place I once used to frequent? I’m taking small steps. I’ve chosen my hopsital. I’m taking care of myself. I’m making damn sure that this time it is third time lucky.




*iamge source: (I threw mine away in shock)

47 thoughts on “Those two blue lines

  1. Congratulations! I’m glad you’ve started to take steps to feel in control of this pregnancy and birth (as much as possible). I look forward to reading about pregnancy number 3! X

  2. That’s fantastic news!! Congratulations! I really hope you can overcome that memory of the last time and have a much more positive experience this time. Surburban mummy is right about the hypnobirthing, I didn’t have a cd but I read a hypnobirthing book and the fact that that it explained the whole process and how it worked better being in a calm relaxed state really helped me, I’ll look forward to reading more about your journey, congrats again :0) xx

  3. I hugely recommend hypnotherapy, I had it before my first birth, and I was so relaxed the midwives didn’t believe I was in labour until they examined me. I wish you strength and peace on this journey.

  4. Oh my! Wonderful news! I also remember the ‘never again’ conversation and the shock and disbelief I felt – then I had two more and both were fabulous natural births. x

  5. Congratulations :)

    I recommend Natal Hypnotherapy. They do a VBAC preparation pack that I’m really enjoying so far this pregnancy.

    You could always book a home birth.

    Are you on the ukvbachbac yahoo group? Fantastic support on there from mamas who’ve had various experiences.

    Much love to your family, wishing you a fantastic pregnancy and amazing birth :)

  6. Ahhh massive congratulations! I am sure your awareness around birth trauma will mean you are far better prepared to deal with any feelings you may have afterward and I expect you will be absolutely fine (well as fine as it’s possible to be after going through childbirth!….) xx

  7. You have ‘come out’ i am so glad i dont have to keep it a secret anymore!!! Yay!!! I truely believe that having another is the best form of therapy!! Look at me PND no where to be seen and despite little sleep and 4 kids i am i(n the words of justin timerlake) lovin it! Huge Congratulations xxx

  8. I’ve got a gut feeling that all will indeed be well with this one. You will not only cope – you’ll enjoy it, and continue to be the strong, wonderful Mummy you are now xxx
    and can I add a “WOOP WOOP!”

  9. Oh no I love your blog but just read this and freaked out! I am 26 weeks pregnant and it is starting to dawn on me that I actually have to give birth again. I was utterly traumatised after the birth of my son, for me it was the most barbaric and frightening experience of my life to date. I have barely been able to relive it, my poor husband found the whole thing terrifying too and together we are now starting to panic….. I’ve been offered a c-section but not sure this is the answer..x

    • Oh you will be fine. I woudl suggest you have a really long think about what kind of birth you want. I allowed myself to be talked out of a section but I was really unprepared for a natural birth. This time I know what I want and I think that makes a difference. If you want a natural birth then try and read up as much about it as you can and do all you can to relax etc. If you want a section, there is no shame in that AT ALL.


  10. OMG!!! Congratulations! Sending you all the luck in the world for a safe and happy pregnancy and a peaceful delivery this time around xxx. Looking forward to the updates already 😀

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