Those two blue lines

On Wednesday December 16th 2009, I spoke on the telephone with my sister. It was the day after I had returned from the hospital with my new son. Still in shock, I told her that I was never going to have any more children after this. I felt so angry- cheated of my dreams of a big family. But there was no way I was ever EVER going through that again. The trauma of his birth, the fear and the anxiety of being in the hospital and the absolutely agonising, searing hot pain of a second c-section… it all culminated into a ball of nausea in my stomach. I couldn’t do it again.

It was this conversation that sprang to mind as those two blue lines appeared in the control window of the pregnancy test. It was those words “Never again” that seemed so naiive all of a sudden.

Yes, that’s right. I am ten weeks pregnant.

So we’re doing it again. The hugs I gave my children later that day were so bitter sweet. What was going to happen to them this time? How would I manage to deal with the trials of a new pregnancy when the tribulations of the previous birth were still making themselves known?

This is my journey towards recovery, I can see that now. Here is where I finally make peace with it all and move on with my family. The things I know now, the things I have been through… it’s all brought me here. I owe it to my son to move forward with this pregnancy and to finally have a positive birth- the birth we all deserve.

From this point, although I have known about the pregnancy for a while, Ghostwritermummy must change. Like all things, we are evolving and moving forward. I feel now, more than ever, that Ghostwritermummy is going to prove its worth as my own personal therapy.

So how do I make sure that birth trauma doesn’t hold me back this time and take me back to that dark place I once used to frequent? I’m taking small steps. I’ve chosen my hopsital. I’m taking care of myself. I’m making damn sure that this time it is third time lucky.

 

 

 

*iamge source: accuratepregnancytests.com (I threw mine away in shock)

47 Comments

47 Comments on Those two blue lines

  1. Jenny paulin
    August 1, 2011 at 7:30 am (5 years ago)

    Congratulations! Fab news. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and much less traumatic birth experience xxx

    Reply
  2. mummy manda
    August 1, 2011 at 7:30 am (5 years ago)

    Congratulations! I’m glad you’ve started to take steps to feel in control of this pregnancy and birth (as much as possible). I look forward to reading about pregnancy number 3! X

    Reply
  3. Rachel
    August 1, 2011 at 7:36 am (5 years ago)

    Huge congratulations on your wonderful news. Will enjoy sharing in your pregnancy journey through your blog. X

    Reply
  4. ramblingsofasuburbanmummy
    August 1, 2011 at 7:37 am (5 years ago)

    Congratulations! Hope you can have a good experience this time.Why not try some hypnobirthing CD’s, even if you have a csection I’ve heard that they are very calming and will help you relax and enjoy the birth x

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 7:38 am (5 years ago)

      Thank you. I hadn’t thought of hypnobirthing CDs, so will have a look, thanks
      XxX

      Reply
  5. KatieB
    August 1, 2011 at 7:46 am (5 years ago)

    That’s fantastic news!! Congratulations! I really hope you can overcome that memory of the last time and have a much more positive experience this time. Surburban mummy is right about the hypnobirthing, I didn’t have a cd but I read a hypnobirthing book and the fact that that it explained the whole process and how it worked better being in a calm relaxed state really helped me, I’ll look forward to reading more about your journey, congrats again :0) xx

    Reply
  6. Liveotherwise
    August 1, 2011 at 7:47 am (5 years ago)

    I hugely recommend hypnotherapy, I had it before my first birth, and I was so relaxed the midwives didn’t believe I was in labour until they examined me. I wish you strength and peace on this journey.

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 8:35 am (5 years ago)

      Wow! Sounds great! Thanks for your well wishes
      XxX

      Reply
  7. Nickie
    August 1, 2011 at 7:53 am (5 years ago)

    Congrats!! Wonderful news. I found that each birth experience was different and my #3 was actually the best one of all.

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 8:34 am (5 years ago)

      Thank you! Am feeling positive, 3rd time lucky and all that!
      XxX

      Reply
  8. Kate Takes 5
    August 1, 2011 at 7:57 am (5 years ago)

    Oh my! Wonderful news! I also remember the ‘never again’ conversation and the shock and disbelief I felt – then I had two more and both were fabulous natural births. x

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 8:34 am (5 years ago)

      Thanks Kate. Am hoping this will be a postive experience!
      XxX

      Reply
  9. sandy
    August 1, 2011 at 7:58 am (5 years ago)

    Congratulations! Here’s to big steps forward into a new chapter!

    Reply
  10. Holly
    August 1, 2011 at 8:28 am (5 years ago)

    Congratulations :)

    I recommend Natal Hypnotherapy. They do a VBAC preparation pack that I’m really enjoying so far this pregnancy.

    You could always book a home birth.

    Are you on the ukvbachbac yahoo group? Fantastic support on there from mamas who’ve had various experiences.

    Much love to your family, wishing you a fantastic pregnancy and amazing birth :)

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 8:33 am (5 years ago)

      Thank you I’ve had 2 emergency sections previously so will be having a planned one this time, but I will still look natal hypnotherapy

      XxX

      Reply
  11. Beadzoid
    August 1, 2011 at 8:41 am (5 years ago)

    Ooh congrats! Hope that this time it goes wonderfully for you. Perhaps this really is what you need. Best wishes xX

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm (5 years ago)

      Thank you! Perhaps you’re right. I feel really positive this time around
      XxX

      Reply
  12. mum2babyinsomniac
    August 1, 2011 at 8:43 am (5 years ago)

    Ahhh massive congratulations! I am sure your awareness around birth trauma will mean you are far better prepared to deal with any feelings you may have afterward and I expect you will be absolutely fine (well as fine as it’s possible to be after going through childbirth!….) xx

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm (5 years ago)

      Thank you. Yes, I am certain this time things will be so different, I’m feeling really positive
      XxX

      Reply
  13. Honest Mum
    August 1, 2011 at 9:08 am (5 years ago)

    Congratulations lovely. Well done you. You inspire and continue to inspire women everywhere (like me) who had a traumatic birth. So, so happy for you xxx

    Reply
  14. Katie Eyres
    August 1, 2011 at 10:05 am (5 years ago)

    Congratulations :)))) So happy for you having read all these posts x Katie, Ellie and Sophie xxxx

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm (5 years ago)

      Ah thanks, lovely to hear from you guys!
      XxX

      Reply
  15. Renee
    August 1, 2011 at 10:59 am (5 years ago)

    You have ‘come out’ i am so glad i dont have to keep it a secret anymore!!! Yay!!! I truely believe that having another is the best form of therapy!! Look at me PND no where to be seen and despite little sleep and 4 kids i am i(n the words of justin timerlake) lovin it! Huge Congratulations xxx

    Reply
  16. waterbirthplease
    August 1, 2011 at 2:14 pm (5 years ago)

    I’ve got a gut feeling that all will indeed be well with this one. You will not only cope – you’ll enjoy it, and continue to be the strong, wonderful Mummy you are now xxx
    and can I add a “WOOP WOOP!”

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 1, 2011 at 5:21 pm (5 years ago)

      Thanks Minty. And thanks for the WOOP WOOP!!
      Xxx

      Reply
  17. Kylie Hodges
    August 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm (5 years ago)

    😀 Eeeeeek!!! Congratulations! If you need someone to talk to you know where I am, you will get through this, a good consultant and team with you is what you need. x x x

    Reply
  18. Him Up North
    August 1, 2011 at 5:55 pm (5 years ago)

    Congratulations to you and yours. Accept my good wishes for a healthy pregnancy and all that comes with it. :-)

    Reply
  19. Not Yet a Yummy Mummy
    August 1, 2011 at 8:11 pm (5 years ago)

    Oh no I love your blog but just read this and freaked out! I am 26 weeks pregnant and it is starting to dawn on me that I actually have to give birth again. I was utterly traumatised after the birth of my son, for me it was the most barbaric and frightening experience of my life to date. I have barely been able to relive it, my poor husband found the whole thing terrifying too and together we are now starting to panic….. I’ve been offered a c-section but not sure this is the answer..x

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      August 2, 2011 at 6:28 am (5 years ago)

      Oh you will be fine. I woudl suggest you have a really long think about what kind of birth you want. I allowed myself to be talked out of a section but I was really unprepared for a natural birth. This time I know what I want and I think that makes a difference. If you want a natural birth then try and read up as much about it as you can and do all you can to relax etc. If you want a section, there is no shame in that AT ALL.

      XxX

      Reply
  20. LauraCYMFT
    August 1, 2011 at 8:53 pm (5 years ago)

    Congratulations! Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and fingers crossed for a nice, quiet, plain-sailing birth!

    Reply
  21. Bod for tea
    August 2, 2011 at 6:25 am (5 years ago)

    OMG!!! Congratulations! Sending you all the luck in the world for a safe and happy pregnancy and a peaceful delivery this time around xxx. Looking forward to the updates already 😀

    Reply
  22. Ithylkalina
    August 2, 2011 at 8:48 am (5 years ago)

    Congrats! Keep up the positive mental attitude and I’ll be wishing you all the best. (Also quite jealous! lol) :)

    Reply
  23. Mcai7td3
    August 4, 2011 at 2:43 pm (5 years ago)

    Congratulations!! :) this has to be the best of the lot!! Cutting out some of the unknowns! Wishing you all the best for pregnancy, birth and beyond!!

    Reply
  24. Claire Louise
    August 5, 2011 at 4:42 am (5 years ago)

    Aww congratulations I’m so happy for you.
    Claire.xxx

    Reply

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