You haven’t lived if you haven’t experienced some of these. Honestly. I promise- they make you a parent.

  • You realise Peppa Pig accurately portrays your life in handy ten minute snippets. Especially the one with the noisy family. That’s us. See the next point…
  • You swear the best and only way to get the baby to sleep is by leaving the hoover on full blast/ setting the extractor fan to industrial level/ driving everywhere with the radio out of tune and at full volume. Next step, the trumpet.
  • Most items of clothing you own are covered in sick/ milk/ it doesn’t matter (despite being fresh out of the wash- not quite sure how this happens) and you don’t mind/ notice/ care.
  • You have pulled poo out of your toddler’s bottom after he has become ‘bunged up’ due to a diet of mud and toast for three days solid. You don’t gag.
  • The best joke you hear all week is the one where your seven year old tells you she has randomly decided to start saying ‘arse’ instead of bottom. You laugh until you cry. And then you cry.
  • You go to an important conference in London with a shreddie stuck to your belt.
  • Three hours of consecutive sleep is considered a very good night.
  • You never make toast these days without either cutting it into four triangles or, if you’re feeling fancy, with a rocket shaped cutter.
  • You know all the words to Agent Oh-so and you hate that program.
  • You’re glad when the two little ones decide to poo in tandem because it gets you out of the house that little bit quicker.
  • You tell friends to add an extra ten minutes onto your arrival time whenever you go anywhere.
  • You never really go anywhere.

But it’s not all bad. Here is a list of some of the things that definitely make you a parent:

  • Your day is lifted instantly when they smile.
  • Their jokes always make you laugh, even if they are totally rubbish.
  • As it happens, you were feeling peckish so that shreddie came in really handy in the end.