Since we’ve entered the turbulent phase of toilet training, I thought it would be helpful to share with you some invaluable tips that my toddler has taught me, as spoken by him (and translated by me). You’re welcome.

1. Let me decide when.

Don’t push me. Wait until I  am ready, not you. This is up to me and I promise you, it will be a lot easier that way. You get through far less pairs of underpants if you just have a little patience.

2. When I’m ready, still don’t push me.

Ok, so I’ve decided I’m ready, but please don’t force it. If I say I do NOT want to go on the potty, believe me. I will make my body resemble rubber. I will turn into Teddy Spaghetti.  You will not be able to bend my legs.  I will NOT sit. I WILL scream. I will make you feel frustrated and you will want to put a nappy on me. Which leads me to my next point…

3.Leave the nappies alone.

Make your mind up. Either I wear nappies, or I don’t. Either I can wee in my under garments, or I can’t. Nightimes is fine, but during the day I want big boy underpants. I want to feel grown up. Don’t put me in a nappy because you can’t keep up with the washing or because you can’t get me to sit on the potty. Just trust me, ok?

4. It doesn’t have to be a potty.

Toilets look fun. Toilets are used by big people and I want to be a big person too. Don’t rule it out.

5. Give me some space!

If I choose to perform, don’t hover over me like a crazed fool.Give me some space! I don’t watch you on the toilet… well, not much anymore. Just go about your business, and I will go about mine.

6. Give me some privacy!

Don’t make me do this infront of a crowd. Ok, maybe I won’t make it all the way to the other side of that bush while we’re at the park, but at least try. It’s better than stripping me down in front of everyone! I have a reputation to uphold- these people will never give up their toys when they see me like this!

7. Clap. Now clap harder.

When I perform, I want applause. You heard me, clap. Clap harder. HARDER! I want to know you are pleased with me and if you’re lucky, I might do it again.

8.  Don’t leave the house without several pairs of undies.

I will probably forget I need the potty when we go out. There is lots to look at and a toddler can’t be expected to remember it all. If I do remember, don’t forget to clap. Also, don’t forget to look disinterested whilst I perform. And don’t forget to find a private space for me. And don’t forget to buy me lots of Ben 10 toys. Thank you.

9. Don’t give up.

Sometimes I will wake up dry, sometimes I won’t. Sometimes I will perform, sometimes I will run away in the nude, taunting you with the fact that I can- and probably will- wee wherever I like. Sometimes I will make you feel that there is nothing else in the whole wide world that you want to do less. But don’t give up.

10.  Remember I am only learning.

I have had two and a bit years of being able to wee and poo whenever and wherever I damn please. Remember that habits are heard to break (you still bite you nails…) and try not to get cross. I won’t understand when you shout because sometimes I can’t help it. I am learning, as are you. And besides, if you shout I am more likely to wee on your foot. Remember that.