365: 14.02.13 #45 The love heart

When we got the date for the section, I knew straight away that we would have a love heart themed 1st birthday party. We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day so having her the day after seemed perfect.
There was a heart in the operating theatre. I’m sure I blogged about it here. They have this whiteboard on the wall with the names of the patients on them. My name was at the top and someone had drawn a love heart next to it. And it was this. It was this love heart that helped me through the utter terror that engulfed me.

I’ve never really told anyone about the fear before. I spent the whole pregnancy convincing myself and everyone around me that I was in control. I was going to make it different. An elective section was what I wanted. This was to be a healing birth. This was going to ‘cure’ me of whatever it was that had been eating away at me since my son was born.

And tweleve months on, I can say it now. I was terrified. I was shaking like a leaf and the whole time I was laid up on that table and they were getting ready to take my life into their hands, I was thinking over and over

What the hell am I doing?
Why am I putting myself through this again?
I am never ever going to let this happen again.

And it wasn’t until she cried and then they showed her to me… that was when I took my eyes away from that love heart on the wall.
365_the love heart

I’ve linked this up to The Boy and Me’s linky!
TheBoyandMe's 365 Linky

27 Comments

27 Comments on 365: 14.02.13 #45 The love heart

    • ghostwritermummy
      February 15, 2013 at 8:01 pm (4 years ago)

      Thanks lovely!
      xxxx

      Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 17, 2013 at 10:57 am (4 years ago)

      Thank you :)
      xxx

      Reply
  1. jenny paulin
    February 16, 2013 at 9:40 pm (4 years ago)

    wow thats some take behind the photo! i hope your daughter enjoyed her first birthday , and i really love that the words on that heart sums up perfectly your daughter. made with love x
    jenny paulin recently posted..My Week That Was #7 (Project 365)My Profile

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 17, 2013 at 10:57 am (4 years ago)

      Ah, yes. I chose the charms for that reason :)
      Thanks for your lovely comment!
      xxx

      Reply
  2. Johnson Babies
    February 16, 2013 at 9:57 pm (4 years ago)

    What a lovely post. What a lovely memory against something which terrified you.
    Beautiful heart and gorgeous photo.
    Johnson Babies recently posted..Project #365 – Week 7My Profile

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 17, 2013 at 10:56 am (4 years ago)

      Thank you!
      xxx

      Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 17, 2013 at 10:56 am (4 years ago)

      Thank you. We had a fantastic birthday!
      xxx

      Reply
  3. TheBoyandMe
    February 17, 2013 at 12:24 am (4 years ago)

    You always speak volumes to me in your writing, I am so pleased that you’re taking part this year because reading your words is such a joy. You may have been terrified before, but your tone has changed so much over the last year that I know it was the healing birth you needed. Hope you all had a great 1st birthday for her, beautiful photograph.

    Thanks for linking up.
    TheBoyandMe recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 17, 2013 at 10:56 am (4 years ago)

      Oh, thank you so much! I am SO glad that I’m taking part too, I’ve remembered how much I love writing, blogging and being part of the community. Thanks, your comment means a lot
      xxxx

      Reply
  4. Mari
    February 17, 2013 at 9:54 am (4 years ago)

    Now that’s a heart with an enormous story to tell, a beautiful heart too. Happy birthday and I hope it was healing for you
    Mari recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 17, 2013 at 10:55 am (4 years ago)

      Thank you. It was. We had such a lovely day and I’m feeling more than blessed
      xxx

      Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 17, 2013 at 10:55 am (4 years ago)

      Thank you!
      xx

      Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 18, 2013 at 8:30 pm (4 years ago)

      Ah thank you :)
      xxx

      Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 18, 2013 at 8:30 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you!
      xx

      Reply
  5. Nikki Thomas
    February 17, 2013 at 8:00 pm (4 years ago)

    Such a lovely post. I had four c-sections but the last one really scared me, or at least the consultant who told me all of the risks involved in multiple c-sections did anyway. People assume that it is a simple procedure and it so isn’t! It took me a long time to get over it and how I felt about it but I am still very glad I have my daughter and wouldn’t change that for the world.

    Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 18, 2013 at 8:30 pm (4 years ago)

      Same here. After 2 emergency sections, my elective was lovely :)
      xx

      Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 18, 2013 at 8:29 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you :)
      xx

      Reply
    • ghostwritermummy
      February 23, 2013 at 8:14 pm (4 years ago)

      Thank you!

      xxx

      Reply

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