365: 14.02.13 #45 The love heart

When we got the date for the section, I knew straight away that we would have a love heart themed 1st birthday party. We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day so having her the day after seemed perfect.
There was a heart in the operating theatre. I’m sure I blogged about it here. They have this whiteboard on the wall with the names of the patients on them. My name was at the top and someone had drawn a love heart next to it. And it was this. It was this love heart that helped me through the utter terror that engulfed me.

I’ve never really told anyone about the fear before. I spent the whole pregnancy convincing myself and everyone around me that I was in control. I was going to make it different. An elective section was what I wanted. This was to be a healing birth. This was going to ‘cure’ me of whatever it was that had been eating away at me since my son was born.

And tweleve months on, I can say it now. I was terrified. I was shaking like a leaf and the whole time I was laid up on that table and they were getting ready to take my life into their hands, I was thinking over and over

What the hell am I doing?
Why am I putting myself through this again?
I am never ever going to let this happen again.

And it wasn’t until she cried and then they showed her to me… that was when I took my eyes away from that love heart on the wall.
365_the love heart

I’ve linked this up to The Boy and Me’s linky!
TheBoyandMe's 365 Linky

27 thoughts on “365: 14.02.13 #45 The love heart

  1. You always speak volumes to me in your writing, I am so pleased that you’re taking part this year because reading your words is such a joy. You may have been terrified before, but your tone has changed so much over the last year that I know it was the healing birth you needed. Hope you all had a great 1st birthday for her, beautiful photograph.

    Thanks for linking up.
    TheBoyandMe recently posted..Silent SundayMy Profile

    • Oh, thank you so much! I am SO glad that I’m taking part too, I’ve remembered how much I love writing, blogging and being part of the community. Thanks, your comment means a lot

  2. Such a lovely post. I had four c-sections but the last one really scared me, or at least the consultant who told me all of the risks involved in multiple c-sections did anyway. People assume that it is a simple procedure and it so isn’t! It took me a long time to get over it and how I felt about it but I am still very glad I have my daughter and wouldn’t change that for the world.

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