When we got the date for the section, I knew straight away that we would have a love heart themed 1st birthday party. We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day so having her the day after seemed perfect.
There was a heart in the operating theatre. I’m sure I blogged about it here. They have this whiteboard on the wall with the names of the patients on them. My name was at the top and someone had drawn a love heart next to it. And it was this. It was this love heart that helped me through the utter terror that engulfed me.
I’ve never really told anyone about the fear before. I spent the whole pregnancy convincing myself and everyone around me that I was in control. I was going to make it different. An elective section was what I wanted. This was to be a healing birth. This was going to ‘cure’ me of whatever it was that had been eating away at me since my son was born.
And tweleve months on, I can say it now. I was terrified. I was shaking like a leaf and the whole time I was laid up on that table and they were getting ready to take my life into their hands, I was thinking over and over
What the hell am I doing?
Why am I putting myself through this again?
I am never ever going to let this happen again.