We went on the train into the city today and embraced the outside world. How odd. How odd that fate deemed me to be the lucky one. To take a day out to meet with other mothers, other bloggers and other children. To watch little faces as they take in their surroundings. To watch little fists rub tired eyes. How odd that the world still continues for people like me.
Today Jennie took a trip that no mother should have to take.
And tonight as I watch the rise and fall of my baby’s chest, I know that actually life isn’t that odd after all. It is cruel, senseless and harsh, but not odd at all. Since Matilda Mae passed away I’ve been forced to question my beliefs. See, I was brought up to believe in God but I always had unanswered questions about it all. I do believe that there is somewhere else we go when we pass. I have to believe that. And I also believe that everything happens for a reason. For a long time, many reasons have escaped me- in particular the reasoning behind Matilda’s tragically abrupt death.
Through reading Jennie’s blog and witnessing her beautifully heartfelt soul searching, I’ve come to some conclusions of my own. As devastating as it is, perhaps Matilda was too good for this earth. Perhaps she was always supposed to be an angel. And perhaps Jennie actually had another role to play in her new future, this life she has been thrust into. Perhaps her blog, her tweets and her cherished memories will become something so much more than she ever imagined.
if Jennie’s tweets have helped just one parent to re-think safe sleeping, or to appreciate their children a little bit more, or to re-focus on what is really important in life, then perhaps that was the reason behind it all. If Jennie’s blog raises awareness of SIDS and helps to educate parents on keeping their babies safe, perhaps this was the reason. It will never ever make the pain go away or lessen the extent of this family’s grief, but perhaps Jennie’s blog will, in time, become a lifeline for others too.
In writing this I’ve realised that there are too many people who are too quick to point fingers or to condemn others for the different ways in which we grieve. There are no manuals to help a mother come to terms with the death of her nine month old baby. There are no rules. There is no wrong or right way, there is only Jennie’s way. And I believe that Jennie’s way will make a difference one day.