This week I have seen belief rise above all else.
This week, I have been asking questions; questions similar to those that my son asked me two weeks ago. We were alone in the car- barr a sleeping baby curled in her car seat, oblivious to the weights pressing on our shoulders- and we were speaking about our day. We were driving slowly, and speaking slowly, and listening to our words as they floated to the roof of the car then popped like bubbles. We were grabbing at those words, trying to savour them, to taste them, before they disappeared and were never to be again.
And I thought.
What if my son was speaking the truth? What if his version of events was actually the way the world worked after all? He wasn’t saying anything that I myself hadn’t been saying at his age.
Heaven is a special place. There are toys and games and superheroes. People who died were angels and babies that died were the most special of all. And she was watching. She was sending rainbows. She was sending rainbows! Two, together, streaking across our sky as we drove home. Colours sharp against the grey clouds and sunshine illuminating them from behind. Two. Rainbows.
I’m older now though. And I find I have to question things. People I’ve met and listened to have blurred my view of the way things work. I no longer have that 3 year old’s perception of life, and death and belief. And what is belief? Why do we need it? Is my concept of it all really that different?
I cannot believe that there is nothing after this. I cannot accept it. My children cannnot either. My son thinks we go to Heaven and we play and are looked after by other mummies and daddies. My daughter thinks we turn into other animals and creatures and we continue on and on and on. Either way, they have a belief and I envy that.
A friend once told me, as her mother was dying, she was struck by how much she envied her belief. She was going to Heaven. She was safe, and loved. And that belief was so important. It wrapped around her like a warm, familiar blanket and it carried her to the end.
Belief does amazing things. It gives you strength, and power, and courage. It sends you through rainbows.