I haven’t been this nervous before a scan before. I’ve always kind of sailed along pregnancies, assuming that all is fine and knowing that the baby inside is healthy and well. It’s always been the birth that has me in pieces. That one day (it’s NOT just one day) has always weighed heavily on my swollen belly more than anything else. But this time…
This time is different, in the hours before the anomaly scan.
I don’t know of one simple reason why.
Maybe because bad things happen. Maybe because I haven’t felt so many movements this time around. Maybe because I’ve been so sick.
So many maybes, creeping up to what ifs. But I can’t go there. The sensible side of me knows that what will be, will be. And what ifs don’t help anyone, least of all the tiny life inside of me. All that I hope is that the poppy seed’s heart is still beating. That the life is still growing. That karma exists and my body is doing it’s job of nurturing and protecting.
It doesn’t matter if this baby is a boy or a girl. It matters that this baby is.
And so in a few hours, we will know more. We will- hopefully- see that heart beating on the screen. We will discuss further plans for the birth and we will eat lunch with smiles on our faces. We will.