What they don’t know about the sickness

What they don’t know about the sickness

It lasts long after the heaving ends.

Long after the waves stop sweeping and crashing and sweeping and crashing and sweeping.

It leaves an imprint on your confidence. It leaves a bitter taste. It leaves a scar. It stays to remind you that it can come back at any time it likes. And it will. It leaves memories deeply etched on your bones; of feeling like your body is on fire and your mind is mush and all you want is someone to hold back your hair and you physically cannot keep this up for one second longer.

But you do.

what they don't know about the sickness~ ghostwritermummy.co.ukYou do, because there really is no other choice. And it shall pass. And you know that. You take a pill and you close your eyes and you find some relief, somewhere, somehow.

But what they don’t know about the sickness

You can’t do all the same things that you used to, before.

You can’t travel long distances, or go to places you think will be crowded, or hot, or busy, or strange. Or the loos will be hard to find and you won’t have spare clothes and you don’t know the people around you.

And although the bad days are firmly behind you there is always the fear that they will return. And any time your stomach rolls you panic because you think it’s starting again. And every time you remember, you taste it. You feel it. You live it.

What they don’t know about the sickness

It takes a long time to leave you. It stays. And it remembers.

And now I remember. The sickness five years ago, and the feelings of helplessness in that delivery room. With a mind that had been shredded through a sickly pregnancy and I want so much more this time. I want there to be a way through, this time.

And so what they don’t know about the sickness is this.

It won’t win. There will be bad days but they will be behind me, every day. And at the end of this I will be stronger, even without someone to hold back my hair.
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75 Comments

  1. BakedPotato Mummy
    July 6, 2014 / 9:59 pm

    Sending you massive (but gentle) hugs. I can’t imagine how horrible it must be to be feeling like this all the time, rather than being able to be enjoying your pregnancy. All my love xxxx
    BakedPotato Mummy recently posted..Body ImageMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 6:12 am

      Thanks lovely. After a hard week I just felt I had to write it to let it all out x x x

  2. July 6, 2014 / 10:16 pm

    Oh Susanne,
    You poor thing. Much love to you. I wish it could be easier for you. Huggles lovely.

    Karin xx
    Karin Joyce recently posted..Happy 4th of July!My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 6:13 am

      Thanks Karin. I know I shoulnd’t complain really but some days are just so hard! x x x

  3. July 6, 2014 / 10:40 pm

    Sending hugs, I know only too well how difficult the sickness can be. Mine hit with my third pregnancy and I’ve never experienced anything like it. Even though thankfully it didn’t strick with my last pregnancy there’s a scar that’s been left and rears it’s head every so often. I wish you weren’t going through this xx
    Welshmumof3boys recently posted..Silent Sunday and My Sunday PhotoMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 6:15 am

      I am beginning to feel better all the time but like you say, the scars stick. I’m so sorry you had a difficult time too x x x

  4. July 6, 2014 / 11:11 pm

    What I don’t think anyone understood was that my morning sickness experience left me afraid of being pregnant again. I didn’t know how I would be able to look after my daughter whilst feeling so terrible. I did it as I wanted another child so much and thankfully the sickness wasn’t as bad second time around. Sickness and nausea in pregnancy sucks. Sending you big hugs x x x
    PhotoPuddle recently posted..‘Cocktails’ by Greg NairnMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 6:16 am

      I can understand that. Luckily I have never had it this bad before. This will definitely be my last pregnancy!x x x

  5. Catherine
    July 6, 2014 / 11:56 pm

    Never has a truer word been spoken. It’s been 5 years since I suffered a hyperemesis pregnancy (my first) and the scars are most definitely still there. Occasionally, I look back and laugh (like when I think of how I couldn’t leave the door without my M&S carrier bag and a pack of baby wipes in my pocket for when the inevitable happened). Some of it I just can’t remember because I was too ill at the time. But sometimes, even now, a trigger – like a song I remember listening to on the radio at the time – will leave me with tears rolling uncontrollably. I’m still not over it.
    It’s a hard and lonely experience. Nobody really *gets* hyperemesis until they’ve been there, do they?

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 6:17 am

      It really is such a lonely experience. And I am so so sorry you suffered so much. It is horrible and I know that it is going to be with me for such a long time too. If it helps, the pregnancy sickness support site has a chat forum with members who suffered on there. I am going to pluck up the courage to visit x x x

  6. Penny
    July 7, 2014 / 8:50 am

    Oh my gosh! You poor thing, I thought I felt bad!

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 7:47 pm

      Any kind of sickness is awful, I know that. Horrid isn’t it! x x

  7. July 7, 2014 / 1:25 pm

    Oh sweetie, I totally relate as had constant sickness with my first pregnancy-don’t let it define you, it has no bearing on your birth, sending you lots of love x
    Honest Mum recently posted..Saving Money on Online Shopping!My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 7:51 pm

      It’s awful isn’t it? I am so so glad to be over the worst… touch wood! xx

  8. July 7, 2014 / 5:32 pm

    Sending you well wishes and hope you feel better soon. Your words ring true: the sickness will not win, so stay strong! You can do it!

    Maria
    cmntsblog.wordpress.com
    Maria recently posted..Sunday Photo {Volume 2}My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 7, 2014 / 7:51 pm

      Thank you. I am determined!! x x

  9. July 7, 2014 / 8:08 pm

    Sorry to read this! I became such a hermit in my pregnancies due to this fear, and it’s left me with big anxieties even now. Wishing you well and hope this passes soon, my vote is this being a blue bump! based on my experience! xx
    Danielle Askins recently posted..One first moment I’m not so proud ofMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 8, 2014 / 10:23 am

      Ah I’m so sorry to hear you suffered too. I am feeling more and more unsociable as the weeks go by if I’m honest. But I am determined to change it while I still can. My vote is blue too!! x x x

  10. Deb
    July 8, 2014 / 11:15 am

    I’m not a blogger but have cone across your blog and wanted to thank you for writing so honestly about such a terrible condition. I have been sick in all 3 of my pregnancies but this one has been the worst and so many tines I have felt like I can’t carry on. With young children to look after it has been such an ordeal. My doctors have now prescribed metoclopramide which is really helping and I read about it here first. So thank you, and all the best x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 8, 2014 / 1:44 pm

      Your comment has really made me smile today. I am so sorry that you are suffering but so pleased that you have been able to get some help and support from your doctor. And I am smiling because you took the time to come and tell me. When I write about this awful sickness I do it mainly to vent but also to possibly help others and so I am glad that you read this. Thank you. I hope that makes sense!! I wish you all the best too, and hope that the tablets help you. They certainly have helped me x x x

  11. July 9, 2014 / 7:45 am

    I can completely sympathise with you, & it’s such a shame to have this as a pregnancy memory. You are incredibly strong & dealing with what is being throw at you with such grace. Now, where’s that banana & those mints….. 🙂 xx
    katrina recently posted..Ditching the Dummy……My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 10, 2014 / 6:10 am

      Thank you for such a lovely comment. Am eating a banana as we speak 😀
      x x x

  12. July 9, 2014 / 9:16 am

    I just can’t imagine what it must be like. I was very lucky as I didn’t suffer any sickness, but I worked with people who did, and it really was, as you say, difficult to do much outside the home. Hope it eases a bit as things go on.
    Emma T recently posted..The alternative list of childhood milestonesMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 10, 2014 / 6:11 am

      Thank you. It is easing a lot now, it is the memories that are making things difficult some days. But I will get there! x x

  13. July 9, 2014 / 9:40 am

    Reading this has brought it all back for me-that feeling at the back of your throat. The retching so much that you don’t think your stomach can take any more. The exhaustion. It makes it incredibly hard work. Sending you best wishes.
    Iona@Redpeffer recently posted..A tale (or tail) to tell-body beautifulMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 10, 2014 / 6:12 am

      I’m so sorry you suffered too. Thank you for your well wishes! x x x

  14. July 9, 2014 / 10:31 am

    I had awful sickness with my pregnancies but thankfully it didn’t go beyond 12 weeks. I cannot begin to imagine how draining it must be for you. I really hope it settles and it doesn’t prevent you enjoying your pregnancy xx
    Louisa recently posted..The road to a diagnosis of ASDMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 10, 2014 / 6:12 am

      Thank you. In a strange way, despite the sickness, I am enjoying this pregnancy. Seeing the bump grow, knowing how excited the others are. It would be perfect if the nausea disappeared! x

  15. July 9, 2014 / 6:36 pm

    Thank you for raising awareness of how awful pregnancy sickness is. The fear never leaves you. I had a panic attack whilst painting with my son today. The smell of the paint took me back to my early days of HG when I was vomiting in my classroom cupboard whilst trying to keep an eye on my class. However, I am a stronger person as a result of those awful nine months and have Adam to remind me that every vomit was worth it.
    Also thank you for mentioning the Pregnancy Sickness Support Online Forum. If anyone reads this and is suffering from nausea and vomiting in pregnancy or Hyperemesis Gravidarum then join the Forum – you no longer need to be alone.
    Adventures of Adam (Emma Edwards) recently posted..Emergency play activity – peg dropMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 10, 2014 / 6:14 am

      Thank YOU for all your support and kindness. I wouldn’t wish this sickness on anyone at all but it really is comforting to know that you guys are there. And having just one person let me know that they are now taking medication to treat their sickness, because they read about it here, certainly makes it worth writing about. x x x

  16. July 9, 2014 / 8:48 pm

    I only had it a short time and it was just so exhausting I could barely function. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes really well and without sickness. You definitely deserve it xx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted..When the axis shifts on your blogging worldMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:30 pm

      Ah thanks lovely. I hope so too! x x

  17. July 9, 2014 / 8:58 pm

    I remember hearing about the daughter of a work colleague who was pregnant with twins when I was pregnant – she spent most of her pregnancy in hospital with the sickness and whe had an 18 month old at the time too. I felt horribly nauseous for the first 3 months both times but I can only imagine how horrific it would have been if that had continued and been worse with actual vomiting. I cross my fingers that yours will go away sooner rather than later X #sharewithme
    Sam @ And then the fun began… recently posted..I is for…invitation #alphabetphotoMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:31 pm

      Thank you. It really is no fun and I am SO lucky to have been able to stay out of the hospital.
      x x x

  18. July 10, 2014 / 1:29 am

    I know that I was incredibly lucky with my three, I didn’t suffer morning sickness beyond feeling nauseous. I never threw up, although with my third pregnancy the nausea alone was enough to bring me to a standstill some days. I have a friend who was terribly ill first time round, and is currently pregnant again and in the end was prescribed the anti-nausea pills used for chemotherapy. That really brought it home to me. Huge hugs x
    Sara (@mumturnedmom) recently posted..Alphabet Photography Project: I is for… ImaginationMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:32 pm

      Yuk, your poor friend. Although the constant nausea is no joke either 🙁 Sounds like your friend was on the same tablets as me 🙁 x x

  19. July 10, 2014 / 5:15 am

    Oh no huge huge hugs to you, softy. I am so sorry you are feeling sick, being sick and it’s not been easy so that you can enjoy each moment of it. Never good. Sending lots of love and empathy for you. Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
    Jenny recently posted..Share With Me ~ wk 23My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:32 pm

      Thanks lovely x x x

  20. July 10, 2014 / 9:28 am

    Sending hugs. I suffered from horrid all-day-and-all-night nausea during my first trimester, but I now realise I probably got off quite lightly. I hope it eases up soon and you’re better able to enjoy your pregnancy xxx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:40 pm

      And to be honest, I am getting off quite lightly too. I’ve avoided hospital which I am so thankful for. But yes, I also hope it eases completely soon! x x x

  21. July 10, 2014 / 10:49 am

    Hun, I really feel for you. It sounds like you are having an awful time. I had awful all day sickness, but it stopped around 16 weeks. The sickness being there constantly and past the early stages must be dreadful. I hope you get some time without nausea so you can enjoy being pregnant a little bit. Big hugs. Mel #BrillBlogPosts
    Mel recently posted..Enjoying the Little Things…My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:39 pm

      Thanks lovely, it really is time it disappeared once and for all now!! x x

  22. July 10, 2014 / 11:08 am

    Just keep going and stay positive 🙂
    Thanking of you x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:38 pm

      Thank you x x

  23. July 10, 2014 / 11:30 am

    Oh golly you poor poor thing. I had sickness for the first 3-4 months with both of mine…if it had gone on for longer than that I don’t know how I would have coped. It certainly is the most awful thing and totally stops you from living. Keep strong and don’t let it win x
    Vicki – The Free From Fairy recently posted..Anger!My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:37 pm

      It really can be debilitating at times, and it is the fear that it will come back as badly as it was before that gets to me now. I am sure soon it will be a distant memory. I can’t wait!! x x x

  24. July 10, 2014 / 2:54 pm

    I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is to endure every day. Keep going lovely, I hope you are feeling 100% again very soon.
    Izzie Anderton recently posted..Reverse Cinderella SyndromeMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:36 pm

      Thank you so much x x x

  25. July 10, 2014 / 5:23 pm

    Really hope the sickness is a thing of the past way before you head for the delivery room lovely xx #brilliantblogposts
    mummytries recently posted..#getgoodsummer Week 2 UpdateMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:33 pm

      Oh me too! I am hoping the last week or so is the sign of things to come. I really want my VBAC but cannot see that far yet! x x

  26. July 10, 2014 / 7:09 pm

    Oh you poor thing! I was sick at the beginning of my pregnancy 3-4 times a day but it did calm down. I hope it gets better soon x
    You Baby Me Mummy recently posted..Gratitude List #5My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:34 pm

      Thank you x x

  27. July 11, 2014 / 8:18 am

    So sorry to hear you have been suffering. It must be that much more difficult if you already have other children and you are just expected to get on with it. I can’t relate in terms of pregnancy, but I did have an illness a couple of years ago that made me feel sick all day every day and I know it was debilitating (and I wasn’t even pregnant on top of that). Fingers crossed it eases off soon.
    Nicola Young recently posted..First born natural leader or youngest class clown? – what does birth order say about you?My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:33 pm

      It is hard with the other kids, but I have to say that my eldest is an absolute star. She looks after us all some days and I just couldn’t be without her x x x

  28. July 11, 2014 / 12:58 pm

    Oh goodness, you poor thing. I know how lucky I was that I never felt sick when I was pregnant, but I have friends who had a terrible, terrible time of it. I have no real idea of what it’s like, but I’m sending virtual hugs to hopefully help you feel a bit brighter.

    Beautifully written post by the way, beautiful x
    HodgePodgeDays recently posted..Tagliatelle with Goats Cheese & CourgettesMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:32 pm

      Thank you so much. Things are a lot better and continue to get a lot better every day, but I still think its important to write about it all. Good therapy! x x x

  29. July 11, 2014 / 1:23 pm

    I am so sorry to hear this! It has to be awful to feel this way when this should be one of the happiest times in your life! Sending positive vibes your way!

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:30 pm

      Thank you so much, I really appreciate it x x x

  30. July 11, 2014 / 2:02 pm

    You poor thing, what a hard time you have had. I was sick with my first pregnancy terribly and during the first trimester I caught glandular fever as well. It was horrible. But once my baby was born it all lifted. I send lots of love and best wishes to feel better and for a safe delivery x
    #sharewithme
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    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 11, 2014 / 2:30 pm

      Thank you so much. Sorry you suffered too! I am actually feeling so much better every day and starting to really enjoy the pregnancy, thankfully x x

  31. July 11, 2014 / 9:47 pm

    Hoping you feel better with every day sweetie, soon enough that beautiful baby will be in your arms and the sickness will be a distant memory! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts
    Honest Mum recently posted..Papa G’s Birthday PartyMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:33 pm

      I cannot wait for it all to be a distant memory but I am so determined to enjoy this pregnancy at some point! x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 12, 2014 / 12:13 pm

      Thank you, it already is a lot better x x

  32. July 11, 2014 / 10:37 pm

    I can feel that you are stronger this time and you won’t let it win. Take care, and I hope everything turns out wonderfully for you and your baby x
    Tarana recently posted..30 Things To Do Before You Have KidsMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 12, 2014 / 12:10 pm

      Thank you. I am certain things will be different and determined the sickness won’t beat me x x x

  33. July 12, 2014 / 9:00 pm

    I feel for you hun! It sounds so awful to cope with, especially as your pregnancy is progressing and that you need all the energy your can get for the later stages. Really hope it eases for you x
    Christina recently posted..Dear L – 2 months oldMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:34 pm

      Thank you, I hope it eases too. I really want that VBAC! x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:23 pm

      Thank you so much x x x

  34. July 13, 2014 / 2:27 pm

    I really hope you are feeling better now and the sickness is passing, I was lucky enough to only suffer typical morning sickness during my first two pregnancies but it went on for 6 months both times, that dreaded feeling in the morning as soon as I woke and waiting for it to happen while trying to get us ready is still in my mind, hopefully 3rd time lucky and it won’t be so bad then #sharewithme
    Loving life with little ones recently posted..The Little ones make Lemon JumblesMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 6:21 pm

      Thank you, I really am feeling a lot better now x

  35. July 13, 2014 / 6:40 pm

    Ugh. So sorry you are still battling it. I didn’t have it much but the times I did, like on the train, left me looking for the exit. I can imagine the memory stays with you as you say. Feel better x
    Amy Ransom recently posted..There’s no place like home (birth)…My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 13, 2014 / 7:51 pm

      Thanks lovely x x

  36. May 15, 2015 / 11:33 am

    I bet looking back at these memories is quite hard, remembering all you’ve been through with your pregnancy. But then I’m also sure seeing your little girl has made it all worthwhile x #maternitymatters
    Sam @ Life of Mum recently posted..Positively OverdueMy Profile

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