Pregnancy after birth trauma

This is the fourth time I have carried a baby this far. The fourth time that little kicks and prods have caught me by surprise. The fourth time that I’ve watched my body expand and my family grow. It does not get any easier. Pregnancy after birth trauma will never be easy.

Four years ago I opened my eyes and saw a baby. A head of blonde hair. Bright blue eyes. A tiny body wrapped in a coarse blue hospital issue blanket. A baby with a name. Cleaned, weighed, held. Named. My baby.

I had no recollection of his birth. My last memories of his pregnancy were the pounding silence of the heart rate machine, the footsteps smacking on the shiny tiled floor and the hands pressing on my throat as the tube was inserted. My last thoughts were that my baby had died. He had lost his fight before it had even begun.

And then nothing.

And then everything.

pregnancy after birth trauma~ Ghostwritermummy.co.ukA baby. My baby. My baby who cried, who needed me, needed to be held, to be fed and to be soothed. A baby who needed the me that had not been through the horrors of all that had gone before us. And the months that followed were not all bad, not really. There were days that we smiled, and we laughed and we enjoyed our son as normal parents would. There were many days. He brightened our lives in the way he still does. But the days followed the nights and the dreams and the memories and that fact remains. Echoes of that day ring in our ears now and then and there is little we can do but remember. Live it.

It is harder during pregnancy. Each kick is a reminder. Each prod. Each midwife appointment, each hospital trip. Each birth announcement, each twinge. Each time I allow myself to stop and to go back there. It is hard.

But it is not impossible. During my last pregnancy, and especially after The Toddler’s birth, I felt I was being healed. I felt in control. I felt that what had been was not to be again. And this time I am feeling more positive still. But pregnancy after birth trauma is still hard.

Trust is a lot harder to win. Confidence in anything is hard to come by. Motivation is lacking some days. Wanting to curl up and let others take over is tempting. Wanting to say yes, to be led, to hand over the control sometimes seems like the easiest, best, option.

There is very little mystery.  I do not wonder how I will know if I am in labour. I do not look forward to twinges in the night. I know these things are inevitable, and (at this point) more favourable than an elective c section. But I know that when- if- that day comes, I am going to be scared.

I know that I am going to wish I did not know what I know. I’m going to wish I did not have to travel down that same path again. I am going to hate the machines and the wires and the people and the silence and the noise and the pain and the fear and the possibility and the risks and the doors that swing and the feet that run and the beeps and the masks and the not knowing. I am going to wish that I had made a different decision.

All of that is going to happen but it won’t change anything. I still want to do this, my way. I am still working on it and I know that I will get there.

35 Comments

  1. July 27, 2014 / 9:16 pm

    I just wanted to say that when I read your posts it gives me hope, I had a traumatic birth too, my son was fine, it was me that wasn’t but it is great to read that it can be better next time.

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2014 / 6:26 am

      It can be better, and I know that. I’m so sorry you had a traumatic birth too x x x x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2014 / 6:25 am

      Thanks lovely. Hope you’re well x xxx

  2. July 28, 2014 / 11:42 am

    You are amazingly strong and wonderful. I think you are incredibly brave – well done for writing this. I’m thinking about you so much through this pregnancy, and wishing you all the very best. xxx
    Mummy Says recently posted..My summer essentialsMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 29, 2014 / 7:39 am

      Thank you so much x x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:46 pm

      Ah thank you so much x x

  3. July 29, 2014 / 1:19 pm

    I didn’t have the ‘ideal’ birth either, so I can understand your fears. If we have another baby, I will be consumed with this fear too. But you’ve made it this far and you’ll be fine, all the best x
    Tarana recently posted..Busy Hands (17): Storytelling PropsMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:45 pm

      I’m sorry to hear things were not as planned for you. I know that it can be so different with each baby so I have everything crossed that we both manage to heal those scars one day x x x

  4. July 29, 2014 / 8:12 pm

    Sounds like you are really trying to keep positive and motivated, fingers crossed for you 🙂
    Danielle Askins recently posted..Wedding NightmareMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:45 pm

      Thank you 🙂 x x

  5. July 31, 2014 / 5:49 pm

    Wow what a beautifully written post and such amazing words shared. I know off the topic but I absolutely LOVE LOVE this photo of you two too! It’s a framer. So much happiness and love in it. I hope you get the birth you want and the experience you deserve. The unknown is so scary and hard to deal with. But no matter what I hope you hold your healthy happy baby in your arms however way he gets here! Such a miracle of life. Biggest hugs. I am so excited to see your new addition to the family. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
    Jenny recently posted..Me & Mine {July}My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:44 pm

      Ah thank you lovely. x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:44 pm

      Thank you x x

  6. August 1, 2014 / 11:13 am

    I hope this birth is everything you hope it to be. Believe in yourself, believe in your body, you’re are much stronger than you think, that strength is just hidden x
    Joanne Dodd recently posted..The Royal Welsh show with JoulesMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:43 pm

      Thank you. I am determined to find that strength x x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:43 pm

      Thanks lovely x x x

  7. August 1, 2014 / 1:09 pm

    Blissful ignorance during the first pregnancy is amazing isn’t it? I was nervous but going through an emergency c section and then all the emotions afterwards is pretty tough going. Its like we all know a bit too much from there on in about the realities. Beautifully written about something that affects so many x
    Notmyyearoff recently posted..Loud n Proud – Last of the SummerMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:36 pm

      You’re right- we know too much about what could go wrong now. Thank you for your lovely comment x x x

  8. August 1, 2014 / 1:25 pm

    My first planned home birth ended up an emergency C section but at least I was awake and remember most of it. I was actually a mix of disappointed/relieved that my 2nd birth was a planned C section! Really hope that this time is a smooth one for you
    Becky Willoughby (@LakesSingleMum) recently posted..#CountryKids at Ambleside SportsMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:35 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear things didn’t go to plan for you. And thank you for your well wishes, I am determined that this time will be different x x

  9. August 1, 2014 / 8:52 pm

    So brave of you to write this, pregnancy is such a stressful time anyway, I’m glad yo have the confidence to know that things don’t have to be the same this time. My second birth was missed by my husband as he was in hospital too! But it was quick :)) good luck xx
    Julia (@rainbeaubelle) recently posted..Sling and you’re winningMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:34 pm

      Argh I can’t believe he missed it!! Thanks for your lovely comment x x

  10. August 2, 2014 / 12:05 am

    What a lovely written post. My thoughts and positive vibe are heading your way even though I can see your trying hard to stay really positive. Every bit help. Wishing you all best with your pregnancy x
    Nikki Fraser (@nikoteen87) recently posted..Introduction of meMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 5:33 pm

      Thank you so much 🙂
      x x

  11. August 3, 2014 / 6:37 pm

    Really hope you get the birth you want. I’m really scared of labour too as it’s my first baby, but actually, it may be textbook, as everythign has gone well so far so I am trusting in my body and remembering to breath!

    xXx
    Oh So Gawjess recently posted..The Ultimate Hospital Bag ChecklistMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 9:26 pm

      Thank you. Please don’t be scared, I really don’t want to scare you or put you off. We can both do this! x x x

  12. August 3, 2014 / 9:20 pm

    You WILL get there. And it IS scary. But you’re in the right mindset and are determined. I am not an expert by any stretch and would hate to offer advice having not been in the same situation. All I’d say is try (as much as is humanly possible!) not to let the fear take over and spoil what is an incredibly special and amazing time. Your body is doing something mind-blowing by growing this baby, so be kind to yourself and try to allow yourself to relax when you can without that seed of worry growing bigger. Much love, as always. Another special #BlogBumpClub post. xxx
    Molly recently posted..What to wear to a summer wedding when you’re eight months pregnantMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 3, 2014 / 9:25 pm

      Oh Molly your comment has just made me cry. I know that I am too hard on myself and there is so much that I will never be able to forgive myself for either. I am hoping that reading through previous birth notes and talking to the midwife at the VBAC clinic will help me. Thank you, as always for your support x x x x

  13. August 6, 2014 / 8:44 am

    This is a very moving post and one I’m sure many will relate to. I went for the easy option because I just couldn’t face the trauma again. You’re very brave and I’m sure you will do it. But if you do feel fearful and want to give up fighting for it, there is no shame in that either. Women can change their minds! x
    suzanne3childrenandit recently posted..A Fairy Tale LifeMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      August 6, 2014 / 10:30 am

      I am still only 75% certain at this point, and I know I will have more wobbles yet. And I don’t think that any option is the easy option when it comes to childbirth, no matter how they are born it is always a major event and achievement. It’s take me so long to realise that but its true x x x x

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