Today I am actually 26 weeks pregnant but this update is for 25 weeks as I am more than a little behind is so much that I’m doing right now…

The poppyseed is the size of a rather glamorous suede (!) and is growing rapidly. Don’t I know it. Capillaries are forming under the skin and filling with blood, so that skin is looking pinker. Air sacs are also developing in the lungs, ready for those essential first breaths in the outside world. Nostrils are starting to unplug, and vocal chords are warming up. It’s still so hard to believe that this is going on inside!

Physically I am up and down. I don’t have any of the usual pregnancy complaints of swollen ankles, back ache or pelvis pain. But I am back on the meds, for now. I am also starting to stress more than a little bit about the birth if I’m honest.

This week I saw my community midwife, who is based at the local hospital where The Big One and The Preschooler were born. Because The Toddler was and this baby will be, born out of area, things are not quite the same in my antenatal care. My midwife cannot take bloods as she can only send them to one hospital, which is no good for me. My midwife also has no knowledge of, or contacts at my birth hospital- so I can only assume that this is why I have not already been referred to the VBAC clinic. Happily, the wonderful Sheena (@sagefemmeSB)- midwife, avid positive birth activator and wonderful author of Catching Babies- was able to introduce me to the consultant midwife who leads the clinic so I hope to be able to go along and meet her soon. Because I need to talk about this whole VBAC/ giving birth/ having confidence thing. I am also lucky enough to have had contact with the fabulous Maggie Howell, who has sent me Natal Hypnotherapy downloads for overcoming birth trauma and preparing for VBAC. I’ll be reviewing them soon and I am so thankful that I’ve been able to connect with these women who are so passionate about supporting women in their birth choices.

This week has been a week of questions, a lot of which my midwife was unable to answer. Did the fact that I had epidurals during labour prior to both of my emergency sections contribute to fetal distress and the eventual outcome? Does having a small baby affect my chances if I go into labour? Will my hospital let me go to 42 weeks gestation before they intervene? Can I actually do this at all?

I’m really not sure.

Until now, I knew. I knew that I wanted a VBAC. That I could do it. And now, somehow, something has changed. Now, I am feeling the possibility of failure. So I guess the clinic is going to be a great idea for me. A chance to talk about my fears and to really understand what is going to happen should I be lucky enough to go into labour naturally. I also have growth scans looming, which will paint a better picture about whether or not the poppyseed is as small as they are expecting. I also have details of the legal team at my previous hospital so that I can go through my birth notes from there, and perhaps try to understand and conquer the fears of all that has gone wrong before.

This is a new pregnancy. A new baby. A new chance. And that is what I need to remember when the fears come up to haunt me again. Thanks to all who took the time this week to comfort me and to support me.

Return of the bump: 25 weeks~