Today I am 26 weeks and 5 days pregnant with baby number 4. The poppyseed is now the size of an aubergine and weighs around 2lb already. The eyes are starting to open and bright lights on the outside are a source of wonder on the inside apparently. Last night I felt one of those squirmy, wriggling full body turns for the first time. The poppyseed made a full roll from one side to another and took my whole tummy with it! All the movements are still really low down and I’m not sure if that is because the placenta is cushioning movements higher up, or if baby just prefers it lower down.
And this week I think I am feeling some shreds of positivity return. After the wobbles of the last couple of weeks, this whole giving birth/ VBAC thing is starting to look a little clearer. A little. I was thinking back to when I was pregnant with The Big One, and how as my due date crept closer I started to feel more and more frightened of the birth. And then one night it dawned on me. What had I to be scared of? This was my baby, and I’d known her since she was a tiny poppyseed. I’d felt her kick and seen her little limbs poking out of my stomach and there was no way I could be scared of her. Realising this centred me, helped me to stay calm and accept that what would be, would be.
The Preschooler’s birth changed all of that and all clarity went awry for me.
I am frightened. I am scared. I am worried about the birth. But I see amazing things happen and I think that if I just have hope, and belief, then maybe I really can do this.
I read this article this week: 10 positives that nobody tells you about childbirth. And oh! How the impossible suddenly seems possible for me.
The poppyseed only has to travel around five inches to get out into the real world. I measured five inches on a ruler and it’s not that far. It’s not a long distance. It’s not impossible.
The poppyseed should not be likened to a melon having to be squeezed out of a tiny hole. That’s ridiculous. The poppyseed is the perfect size for my body and if my body can make it and grow it then it can deliver it. I know it can.
The pain. The pain scares me a lot. But, going back to the rationalisation I applied first time around, the pain is part of me. I can control it if I try.
Please have a read of the article if you can. It has really helped me to re-focus a little in what has turned out to be a fairly difficult week. It has reignited my determination to trust in my body once more. This poor, poor body. I do not always trust in it. I do not always like it very much. I do not always assume that it can do any of the things for which it is designed. But during this pregnancy I have tried to take care of it a little more and to listen to it when it talks to me. I have tried to respect this body and one day, I hope, I will believe in it.