Is it all sinking in now?

Five days after the growth scan and I’m wondering if it is all sinking in now.

The fragility of life.

The way things change.

Is it all sinking in now?

Is it all sinking in now~ Ghostwritermummy.co.uk

 

I thought I had weeks and weeks to choose a pram, to knit some hats and to pack my bags. I might still have all that time. I might not.

I keep forgetting. And then I remember and a hard ball of dread drops into my stomach. And sits there. Clawing it over again and again. Telling me it was a mistake to even think I could have a VBAC. A mistake to assume that things would go my way.

And I keep waking up in a panic, thinking that the baby hasn’t moved in a while and surely that was a sign that it could already be too late. And why do they want to leave me until 34 weeks when clearly there is something wrong now? Or nothing wrong at all. And why would I want to risk a VBAC if there could be something wrong? But why would I not want a VBAC if this baby is perfectly healthy, and I am healthy too? And then sleep is never going to be on the cards.

I don’t know if I have dreamt that baby’s movements have reduced, or if it is really happening. And so I lie and I prod my stomach below the ribs where I think the head is, and further down where the legs must surely be. And baby may or may not move and my heart may or may not slow to a normal pace. And on one hand I want ten more weeks of this and yet ten more minutes could be torture.

It’s because I don’t know. I don’t know if all this panic is for nothing after all, or completely justified actually. I don’t know if this feeling of carrying a little ticking time bomb is right or not. I can only wait. And hope. And knit. And pack bags. And choose a pram. And things might be ok after all.

Mother's Always Right

30 Comments

  1. September 3, 2014 / 9:47 pm

    Awww Suzanne. So sorry to read this. It’s so hard all the uncertainty. I can empathise. I really hope things go your way. Don’t forget how powerful the mind can be at tricking you with regard to baby’s movements. And when I can’t sleep I visualise me on a sun lounger on a deserted beach with the waves lapping… Thinking of you x
    Amy Ransom recently posted..‘Look after new mums’My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 3, 2014 / 9:56 pm

      Thanks lovely. I might borrow your technique- so wish I was back by the pool in Sicily right now 🙂 x x x

  2. September 3, 2014 / 9:57 pm

    I haven’t been through the same thing but I can emphasise, at about 22 weeks I was told my twins were sharing a amniotic sac, that the chances of still birth was high and they would have to be delivered at 32 weeks. They did a scan and found they were separate and I made it to 37 weeks, but that week was torture, I did exactly as you have, constantly worrying, checking movements and I cried every night. It’s horrible and I really feel for you, I hope all is well and you get the birth you would like xx
    Hayley @hayleyfromhome recently posted..Living ArrowsMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 3, 2014 / 10:05 pm

      Oh my goodness that must have been terrifying. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but so glad all was well in the end. Thank you so much for your kind words and support x x x x

  3. Charlotte
    September 3, 2014 / 10:19 pm

    I know I don’t know you personally but came across your blog a couple of months ago. I felt compelled to message you. No matter what anyone says or does it won’t stop you from worrying. At our 20wks scan there was a detection of an “abdominal abnormality” in our baby girl. From that first detection to the more detailed scan 2 wks later felt like one stood still. Google and the fears in my mind drive me crazy with worry and stress. Yet I knew I was the best protection for my baby. Monthly scans and appts with specialists at Great Ormond street would offer hope, clarification and yet more worry. I found that I couldn’t think past having this baby and making her well again. I resigned myself to a c-section; I just wanted our baby to have the medical care as soon as possible but we were in the hands of the medics. Induced at 38wks and delivered naturally (although I was drugged up to the eyeballs), our baby girl was born. We we’re transferred 14hrs later to GOSH where we placed our previous girl into the amazing hands of the doctors. She recovered remarkably quickly and although I was still racked with worry she grew and developed with hank fully no repercussions. She started reception class this week and her only knowledge of her shaky start to her life is a tiny scar which she knows that this is where the doctors made her tummy better.
    Im writing this so it gives you hope and faith. Faith in yourself that you are the best protector of your baby at this moment. Always trust your instincts and if in any doubt go to the hospital. Hope in that you will get through this difficult time and you are fortunate to research the details of your baby’s condition so that you can prepare yourself and family so that they can give you the best support when baby arrives. Trust in this and know that your baby is giving you the strength to help it.

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 7:05 am

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so so glad that it all worked out well for you, and so sorry that you had to suffer such worry during your pregnancy. It is so scary, but you are right- with trust and faith in the medical team, the rest is up to us. I am usually a positive person, I think yesterday was a bit of realisation that not all will go as I expected with this pregnancy. But I have woken today to such lovely comments and it really helps to know that I am not alone. So thank you- SO much- I intend to take a leaf from your book and remember that I am the best protection for my baby, and always will be no matter what happens x xx

  4. September 3, 2014 / 10:45 pm

    Sending huge hugs, Susanne! Crossing everything that your next scan shows that everything is ok and baby is bulking up nicely xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 7:02 am

      Thanks lovely x x x

  5. Fiona napthine
    September 3, 2014 / 11:08 pm

    I always think of this saying when I feel panicky and full of dread and maybes!! “Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence”. Would you consider asking for a scan again this week to out your mind at ease?

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 7:01 am

      Those are beautiful words, thank you. I am going to see if I can see my community midwife today so that I can hear the heartbeat. I’m not sure a scan this early would tell the doctors what they need to know unfortunately, as they need two weeks to monitor growth. But thank you for thinking of me x x

  6. September 3, 2014 / 11:24 pm

    I wish I had words to comfort you. I know the agony of not knowing. With Dan, the docs haas us convinced he would have Down syndrome and a heart defect that would necessitate immediate surgery after birth IF he even survived. It was agony. And when I had my early emergency induction, I was terrified. But he was born without incident and perfectly healthy. It could easily have gone the other way, though. All you can do, and what you MUST do is take care of yourself. Eat the extra calories you need, keep active (but don’t overdo it), try to sleep enough. Reach out for help if and when you need it. And the best advice I can give is to talk or sing or play music for your little babe. Interact and play with your bump and let the baby be soothed while you soothe yourself.

    I know it is hard. I can only imagine. But you’ve kept safe this long, and you are in good hands. Just keep swimming.

    xx
    Katie @ A Mother Thing recently posted..Labor Day Fishing FunMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 6:52 am

      Katie that must have been so utterly terrifying for you. The things pregnancies and babies put us through! Thank you for your lovely words, I am indeed taking care of myself best I can and am sure I will be back to my positive self asap x x x x

  7. Adele Oldfield
    September 4, 2014 / 8:10 am

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I had to have growth scans every 3 weeks the whole pregnancy as my baba was always measuring small and because they thought I was having an ectopic at the beginning due to bleeding. At 24 weeks I got rushed to hospital as I was bleeding again and had to stay in for a week and needed steroids to help her along in case the worst was to happen. I was told that she would be early the whole way through my pregnancy so I wasn’t prepared to then go over 5 days and need a sweep. My little princess came 9 weeks ago at 6lbs 3 and is a little angel. She has been in and out of hospital since she was 3 days old with a poorly stomach and we still have no answers and I hope it’s not something I did when pregnant but she is my world and I cherish every moment with her because of all we have gone through together. It’s amazing what tricks the mind can play when you are worried and anxious so please try to stay calm and trust your instincts. I really hope everything goes well and your little baba arrives safely and healthy. Stay positive xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 12:29 pm

      You’re right, the mind really can play tricks can’t it? I’m so sorry you had to go through all that worry- IUGR is the concern for us at the moment too, and with two previous SGA babies it is more than worrying us right now. And I’m sorry that you are still in and out of hospital. I hope that you get some answers soon and can properly enjoy your precious daughter x x x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 12:26 pm

      And in moments of clarity, that is exactly what I keep telling myself x x x

  8. September 4, 2014 / 1:24 pm

    I feel for you I really do. I know I was a nervous wreck with all of mine, it’s that constant worrying and then another lot when they are delivered safe and well. I hope the doctors can reassure you a little and that little bundle will be in your arms safe and sound when the time is right. Big hugs and here if you ever want to talk x
    Susan Mann recently posted..The Gallery 198 – SchoolMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 2:10 pm

      Thanks lovely, it means a lot x x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 4, 2014 / 8:28 pm

      Thanks lovely, I am sure next week we will find out it has all been a fuss over nothing x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 5, 2014 / 6:11 am

      Thanks lovely x x x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 5, 2014 / 10:13 am

      Thank you x x x x

  9. September 5, 2014 / 3:32 pm

    Again, I want to give you a big hug. I really hope you get some answers soon. There’s always an element of the unknown with pregnancy – even if it is “low risk” – not that it helps calm the nerves etc. However, you MUST try to keep calm, however hard that is, because worrying and feeling stressed isn’t good for you or baby. I’ve been incredibly fretful the past week with things and have found meditation clips on YouTube have helped me calm down in the evenings and, in some cases, they’ve even helped me to sleep a bit more deeply. Much love and let us know how you get on next week. xx
    Molly recently posted..Blogger Bump Club Week 17 #BlogBumpClubMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 5, 2014 / 7:51 pm

      I might give those clips a go- its bedtime when my mind starts to whirl the most actually. Thanks lovely x x x

  10. September 5, 2014 / 5:36 pm

    Hope everything works out, there’s nothing worse than uncertainty. Try to relax and take it easy … I know everyone is probably telling you that but do try xxx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 5, 2014 / 7:50 pm

      I am trying, I promise. I’ve cut back on lots of work and I am determined to get my head round it all 🙂 x x x

  11. September 5, 2014 / 9:53 pm

    Aaaaw, there is so much to be anxious about in pregnancy, but I am another one to say relax and take it slow. Also, my second pregnancy I was more stressed than ever at the end and my baby didn’t suffer at all from it! Have faith x x
    Julia (@rainbeaubelle) recently posted..Working it, trauma and TPNMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 6, 2014 / 9:19 am

      THanks lovely x x

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