Today I am 30 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Time to get my head straight about a few things I think. Things I know versus things I am scared of.
Things I know
I am having a baby.
I can’t control the birth.
I have lots of lovely friends and family around me.
While two of my previous babies have been SGA, they have both been incredibly healthy after birth.
An SGA baby is not necessarily an IUGR baby.
34 weeks is not that early compared to other premature babies, who survive and thrive.
I am healthy; I do not score highly on many of the risk factors for IUGR at all.
I am in the best hands, with my chosen hospital having specialist units for high risk pregnancies, plus neonatal services that offer specialist services for sick, pre-term babies. Therefore my baby is in the best hands too.
Things I am scared of
I am having a baby!
I want to control the birth. I don’t want another c section. But I am terrified of another trial of labour ending in an emergency c section. I also am scared of refusing a section and baby being poorly as a result.
I have had two previous SGA babies, which puts me at a higher risk of having an IUGR baby, which is what the doctors are concerned with.
Some babies are not diagnosed as IUGR until after birth. I am scared that they might not diagnose and allow me continue the pregnancy, but there is something wrong after all. I’m scared this won’t be picked up until it is too late.
I don’t score highly on many of the risk factors, but I do score on some. And there is a real chance that my placenta is not functioning very well; this is beyond my control and I wish it wasn’t.
I am in the best hands, and yet the care we’ve had so far feels very disjointed. Incomplete. I see my community midwife at my GP surgery, have scans at one hospital and will give birth in another. I am not sure who to call if the baby doesn’t move, and my midwife can’t take bloods so I haven’t had iron levels tested since booking it at 11 weeks. I have three different triage numbers on my notes and am not sure which hospital I should turn up at if anything happened.
And thus is an insight into the daily arguments I have with myself. On the one hand I truly believe that all is well and they are just being over cautious. And in the next breath I cannot breathe and I think that I need to know NOW what is happening so that I can prepare for the worst. I know that pregnancy hormones do not make things any easier, but I also know that I can’t bury my head in the sand. I need to speak to someone about it all, but can’t until I know more following next week’s scan. And so we wait.
And in the meantime…
The poppyseed is now the size of a butternut squash (perfect for Autumn) and my due date is only nine weeks and two days away. Or, 11 weeks if you consider I normally deliver around 42 weeks! The poppyseed should be over 3lb and putting on half a pound a week now. I truly hope that is the case. The brain is also growing at an alarming rate, with grooves and wrinkles that make it look like a real, grown up brain. Lanugo (the hair that covers the baby’s body) is starting to disappear as baby can now regulate temperature independently.
And me? No sickness- hooray! No back ache, no pelvis pain, no restless leg, no heart burn, no indigestion. I am still doing pilates each day and am back at the pool. I am tired, and I have little appetite but I am well. I am hopeful.