After a better, yet equally as exhausting week the day of our growth scan finally arrived! We finally believed our limbo could be over. We could start to make plans that were real. We could either buy those micro nappies and pack that bag, or we could leave them there on the shelf and continue until November.
We’re still there, and it aches. Like a dozen dull needles in my stomach each time I wonder what on earth is really happening inside. There are moments when I think this is still all a big fuss over nothing, and then others where I will the weeks to hurry by so that we can finally meet this baby, and know that all is well.
The results of the second growth scan showed that although baby has gained weight since last time, it is still on the small side. Head circumference is on the 5th centile, and the rest of the body is below the 10th. I hate that it is out of proportion like that. I can’t think beyond those words.
There is also reduced blood flow from the cord, which means that currently the poppyseed is not receiving enough nutrients or oxygen from me. Literally starving.
I was put on the monitor to check movements.
I have asked what I can do and there is, apparently, nothing. I do not need to rest, I do not need to eat anything different specifically. I just need to wait.
Weekly scans have been ordered to monitor the situation until I reach 34 weeks and then… Then.
Then, we meet baby? They cut open my body for a fourth time and take my baby from me? They take my baby to special care? They hook up wires? They leave my arms empty?
At the moment we just don’t know. They can’t really tell us what will happen, or whether or not this is still a big fuss over nothing. Hence the limbo.
And so, we wait. For baby to grow, for blood to flow. We monitor movements like it’s a sport and the moment I suspect all is not well, I am back on the monitor. I already know that this baby is different, have known it since the beginning. With a placenta blocking lots of movements (on the monitor yesterday I could hear movement that I just could not feel at all) I am already a wreck trying to work out what is normal for me. And yet I’m worried about making a fuss. About going down there and getting hooked up and the midwives thinking I am wasting their time. About not going down there and it being too late. And I know that this baby doesn’t move as much as the others did; I just hate to think that’s because I am not providing the life force I should be.
So, on to planning. Sorting bedrooms, packing bags, preparing ourselves for what is already seeming inevitable. And the bright side? We get to meet our baby sooner than expected. We have the luxury that many parents of premature babies don’t get; we get to prepare for our early arrival. We get to deliver at a specialist hospital with equipment that is ready for us and close to home. We get to greet baby number 4, no matter what.