After a better, yet equally as exhausting week the day of our growth scan finally arrived! We finally believed our limbo could be over. We could start to make plans that were real. We could either buy those micro nappies and pack that bag, or we could leave them there on the shelf and continue until November.
Limbo.
We’re still there, and it aches. Like a dozen dull needles in my stomach each time I wonder what on earth is really happening inside. There are moments when I think this is still all a big fuss over nothing, and then others where I will the weeks to hurry by so that we can finally meet this baby, and know that all is well.
The results of the second growth scan showed that although baby has gained weight since last time, it is still on the small side. Head circumference is on the 5th centile, and the rest of the body is below the 10th. I hate that it is out of proportion like that. I can’t think beyond those words.
There is also reduced blood flow from the cord, which means that currently the poppyseed is not receiving enough nutrients or oxygen from me. Literally starving.
I was put on the monitor to check movements.
I have asked what I can do and there is, apparently, nothing. I do not need to rest, I do not need to eat anything different specifically. I just need to wait.
Weekly scans have been ordered to monitor the situation until I reach 34 weeks and then… Then.
Then, we meet baby? They cut open my body for a fourth time and take my baby from me? They take my baby to special care? They hook up wires? They leave my arms empty?
At the moment we just don’t know. They can’t really tell us what will happen, or whether or not this is still a big fuss over nothing. Hence the limbo.
And so, we wait. For baby to grow, for blood to flow. We monitor movements like it’s a sport and the moment I suspect all is not well, I am back on the monitor. I already know that this baby is different, have known it since the beginning. With a placenta blocking lots of movements (on the monitor yesterday I could hear movement that I just could not feel at all) I am already a wreck trying to work out what is normal for me. And yet I’m worried about making a fuss. About going down there and getting hooked up and the midwives thinking I am wasting their time. About not going down there and it being too late. And I know that this baby doesn’t move as much as the others did; I just hate to think that’s because I am not providing the life force I should be.
So, on to planning. Sorting bedrooms, packing bags, preparing ourselves for what is already seeming inevitable. And the bright side? We get to meet our baby sooner than expected. We have the luxury that many parents of premature babies don’t get; we get to prepare for our early arrival. We get to deliver at a specialist hospital with equipment that is ready for us and close to home. We get to greet baby number 4, no matter what.
Sadly I don’t have anything to say that will make it all feel better instead I will wish you a healthy pregnancy and hope 34 weeks brings good news xx
Beth Twinderelmo recently posted..Word Of The Week 12/9/14
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Thank you so much x x
It is such a worrying time x we’re here for you all xx
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Thank you! x x x x x
Big big hugs brave lady. Please do not feel like you’re making a fuss. Go down and get checked out as often as you need to. It’s what they’re there for. I wish you had more answers. You’re doing so well to stay so positive about it. Much love to you all xxx
BakedPotato Mummy recently posted..Developing Imagination
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Thank you. I really am trying to stay positive! x x x
Oh lovely lady, waiting is so hard. Don’t feel you are making a fuss, go as often as you need. Keep being strong xx
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Ah thank you x x x
Oh honey so sorry you are going through his worry and glad you are getting all the support needed from the hospital. Keep strong hun and wishing you lots of love, here for you x
Honest mum recently posted..The Weekend List
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Thanks lovely x x
Never feel that you are making a fuss. You are your babies best advocate, and you need to know that everything is as ok as it can be. The midwives are there to look after you, and this is part of that job. Follow mothers instincts and if you feel that something isn’t right, get it checked.
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You’re right, thank you so much x x
Oh lovely I really feel for you- waiting and wondering and not being able to do anything to help is so hard, the weeks must feel like years atm! Will be thinking of you and your darling baby xxx
ToddlerSlave recently posted..Gender Reveal!
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Thank you so much x x
I wish I could give you a massive hug. I hope they’re able to keep baby in for a few more weeks and that worry is taken away from you. It must be a really worrying time but I hope the next scan gives you brilliant news. Xx
Notmyyearoff recently posted..The First day back at Pre-School
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Thank you, I really hope so too x x x
What a worrying time for you! Sending massive hugs x
Kim Carberry recently posted..Roald Dahl….
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Thank you x x x
Those midwives will never think you are wasting their time. Just go. Go whenever your gut tells you too. X
Colette recently posted..Nature Misses You – National Trust 50 Things Project
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You’re right, thank you x x x
Oh gosh, I can’t begin to imagine how worried you are. All I can add is really, really try as hard as you can not to care what midwives think and get yourself there as soon and as often as you can should you suspect anything at all is slightly wrong. Even if you are met with a ‘here again?’ attitude, it’s much better for you and the baby to be checked rather than sitting and worrying at home. Big hugs, my dear x
Rachel @ The Ordinary Lovely recently posted..School desk makeover … superhero style
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Thank you. I expect they are going to become very familiar faces over the next few weeks! x x x
I’m so sorry you didn’t get the answers you’d hoped for. It must be a tense and frustrating time. You’re right to look at the positives though, this baby will have the best support and close monitoring, which has to be a good thing. And please don’t be too hard on yourself – none of this is your fault. Babies and bodies and pregnancy and birth are all such complicated things – you’ve done amazingly to get this far with all the stress that you’ve had to endure, not to mention being a mum to three already, which is tiring enough! Much love xxx
Molly recently posted..Blogger Bump Club Week 18 #BlogBumpClub
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Thanks Molly, it really is frustrating not to know more. Having spoken with a wonderful friend I am happy that they’re doing all they can though, and if they were to tell me definites I should be more concerned as the truth is that they just do not know. I just have to keep hoping that all will be ok x x x
OK.. I’m going to cut to the chase and say something mean.. STOP worrying about what the midwives *might* think, it’s better to be safe even if you end up going down there 100times for no reason and all be well! The consultant said to me at 32wks “oh ladies with 3rd babies are notorious and we will expect to see you in atleast 3 times before baby is actually ready to arrive but we’d rather see you than you worry..” while I didn’t actually have to do this, I did take comfort in it, like it was actually OK to call them if I was worried. I felt rather like you that I should know better and not “waste their time”..but we don’t – we can’t! Huge hugs to you lovely, it’s so frustrating that there’s nothing you can do, but please try to stay calm and positive xx
@goriami recently posted..Breastfeeding Early Days – The essentials..
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I know you’re right, and the midwives told me just the same too. I even checked that I can take Bella with me if I need to! I feel like every contact with the hospital is another note against me for some reason. I just want baby to be ok. And that sounds so ridiculous! I will call though, I promise x x
I’m so glad you ended on the positives, there’s nothing anyone can say to make you worry less but I wish there was. You are being closely monitored and that’s good. Lots of love x
Julia Rainbeaubelle recently posted..Shoes
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I hadn’t realised, but the more I talk about it all the more I can see how lucky we are. Lots of IUGR babies are not picked up and the results of that can be tragic. I am lucky they are fussing over me and I know that every week makes a huge difference to survival too. Thank you for your lovely comment x x x x
Oh that sounds so painful to go through- and yet it sounds to me like you’re being very strong, doing what you know is at least practical- getting the room ready! I’m thinking off you and hope so much that all works out well xx
Expression and Confession recently posted..My hyperemesis gravidarum experience
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Thank you. It’s my husband being practical really, although I did buy those nappies yesterday 🙂 x x
Thinking of you. x
Kerrie McGiveron recently posted..Baby Cuddles #PowerOfSoft
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Thanks lovely x x
Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I felt so guilty when we were told the same thing, that my placenta wasn’t feeding our daughter properly, and that in our case she’d stopped growing. Ridiculous of course, as there was nothing we could do either, but only human nature for us Mothers I suppose. Sending you massive hugs and strength for the coming weeks x x
Michelle at Bod for tea recently posted..Protect your home with the Piper security system
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Thank you so much. I guess you know much of how I’m feeling right now, so I really appreciate your comment x x x x
So sorry you didn’t get the answers you so desperately wanted, please don’t feel like it’s your fault though, like the doctors have said there is nothing you can or could do differently. I am sure they don’t see it as you making a fuss either-it’s their job to make sure Mum and baby are doing well :). Wishing you all the best, and at least you can prepare for a possible early arrival too and be ready in that sense.
Big hugs xxx
Danielle recently posted..First day at school and a back to school competition (Vosene Shampoo & spray, £10 Tesco voucher, rucksack and pencil case)
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Thank you, I ma happy they are doing all that they can. And yes, at least I will be prepared. I hope!! x x
Sorry I’m late catching up Susanne, and that you don’t have any clearer answers. Call the midwife or hospital 10 times a day if you need to, that’s the far better of the two options. Thinking of you, as always xxx
Hannah Budding Smiles recently posted..Bloggers Snail Mail
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No need to be sorry at all! I appreciate your support 🙂 I will indeed call the hospital, I have a feeling I will become something of a regular there now x x
This limbo must be torture. It is positive that baby is growing, even if it is a small amount. You’re being closely monitored, and don’t hesitate to seek help if you’re worried. Never worry about making a fuss or wasting anyone’s time. Always better safe than sorry. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way xxx
Leigh Kendall recently posted..Take your time, hurry up: grief is a complicated journey
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Yes the limbo is horrid, but like you say there are many positives in my story and at least I am well enough to be strong for when baby does arrive. Be that in 2 or in 10 weeks, who knows?! x x
I can’t offer helpful insights or words of wisdom. But I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.
Domestic Goddesque recently posted..Review: Tesco Finest Flowers
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Thank you, I really appreciate it x x x
Oh no! Waiting is so horrible.
However, never not go to the hospital or a check up for fear of “making a fuss”. Go as often as wind upsets your tummy & you think it’s baby doing something strange. 😉
You’ve forced yourself to stay positive and finish the post with positives- reread that again and again when you doubt. All the very best to you both.
Monika recently posted..We did it!!! Cycling to school in Oxford
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Yes the waiting is perhaps the worse part, as I know that the hospital will do -and are doing- all that they can to help us etc. But my own mind is my enemy sometimes! x x x
I wish there was some way to make it easier for you, I know how all-consuming the worry can be. I was so hoping for better news for you this week but still lots of positives, like you say you have the advantage of preparing for an early arrival. I hope everything continues as it should xx
Hayley @hayleyfromhome recently posted..The School Run {The Ordinary Moments}
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Thank you. Yes I am determined now to focus on the positives in all of this and anything else will be a bonus now x xx
I know we’ve not seen each other as much lately but you know I am always here for you, even if it’s just for a cuppa and a chat. Thinking of you and sending strength for you and poppyseed x
Lisa H recently posted..Are Women Better Parents Than Men?
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Ah I know that lovely. Life is certainly getting in the way at the moment but I hope that you will be one of baby’s first visitors, whenever the day arrives x xx
Try not to worry, believe that all will be well! 🙂 You are beautiful and everything is as it should be. Visualise a positive birth and positive and wonderful things. Try not to dwell on measurements etc. Lots of love
Mel recently posted..Guest post: Aspergers and Home Ed
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Ah thank you lovely. I really hope you’re right x x x
Ahhh, this post made me teary. I just wish you a healthy pregnancy and stay strong. Everything is going to be okay.
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Thank you! x x x