So the last scan was good news. Really good news. And I wanted the high from that news to last a little longer. Is it hormones, or something else? They say a mother’s intuition should never be ignored, but what if her intuition is hard to read?

I am pleased. Of course I am pleased that baby seems to be growing- slowly is better than not at all. So I’m pleased. I’m pleased that the blood flow is improving and all the dopplers are coming back ok. I’m pleased that the doctors are pleased. I’m pleased that the 34 week mark has been and gone. 34 weeks and 1 day today.

An IUGR baby_ the agony of the

But I am still scared.

Baby still does not move as much as I would like, or expect.

Baby is still small.

I am still here, 3 sections under my belt and dreams lying in pieces around me.

And today I am trying to sort through what it all means, really.

My babies do not come early. I know that 37 weeks is not classed as premature, but for me it really is. It is 5 weeks earlier than I expected. It is 2 weeks ahead of what is classed as full term. It is not the pregnancy length I imagined. I was in it for the long haul. And if baby really does have to be taken this early, I want to know why.

‘Unexplaind IUGR’ does not cut it for me. I know that baby is small, way below the 10th centile. And I know that that means IUGR. But I want to know why. Blood flow has improved. Fluids are fine. My blood pressure is fine. My placenta is not located too low. I am not diabetic. I do not have a blood clotting disease. I don’t smoke, drink, or take drugs. I eat well. I exercise sensibly. I was not underweight before pregnancy and I am gaining enough weight now.

And yet 40-60% of IUGR cases are unexplained. Blood flow remains fine. All of the above can be discounted.

I don’t want to be unexplained, when so much is riding on it.

Some days I have made my peace with not being able to have a VBAC. But other days I wonder whether it is still within my grasp. Now that we are back on fortnightly scans, and it looks good for the results of the next one being good as well… is a VBAC possible? Or do I sit tight and wait to hold my baby sooner, more calmly?

Is a c-section really best?

My head says yes.

My heart says… maybe. Maybe not.

What I really need is some answers and that is the one thing that the doctors cannot give me. I have to wait for baby to be born before they know whether or not their diagnosis is correct. I have to trust in the people who do not instil faith in me at all. That’s so hard to do!

We are feeling abandoned. Midwives tell me that they cannot answer my questions as they are not obstetricians and do not want to give me the wrong answer. Doctors don’t have time to answer my questions. Or they don’t have the answers. Nobody is actually considering anything other than the clinical. What about me?

What about How are you feeling about all of this?