This week saw the magical 34 week marker come and go. Hooray! I am truly thankful to have reached this point in my pregnancy and to be able to go beyond it too. It’s been the goal for such a long time, and to know that this journey doesn’t end there is amazing. And on that note, if I seem ungrateful at having reached this point then you misunderstand me. A lot. I know that this part of my pregnancy could have been so so different. And for the fact that my bump and I are still here I am thankful. But I am also honest about my emotions and how hard this journey has been- and continues to be- for me. All I will say is that this is MY journey and you are welcome along if you’d like to join me. If you’re not able to do that, that’s fine. I will always write honestly in my space about how I feel.
And how do I feel? Exhausted. It’s been a quiet week, and that’s been exhausting. A quiet week with baby refusing to move much at all, after very active periods early on. I’ve spent many nights awake, and waiting. For a kick. A squirm. Anything. A quiet week with poorly children and a deflated me. A quiet week with lots of missed sleep, anxious dreams and shattered patience. A quiet week to reflect and regain lost strength and spirit. And to remember, whether I want to or not.
I think that much of the fear and anxiety that was left after The Preschooler’s (still need a new name for him!) birth is re-surfacing at the moment, and after reading this post on Simply Hayley’s blog I am reminded of the saying “Trauma is in the eye of the beholder”. What has happened, and is happening, to me might not compare to what has happened to you. But it is my trauma and my right to feel the way I do. And I think that some things never leave you, no matter how far you think you’ve come. Time doesn’t really ever heal; it simply puts more distance between you and more distractions to help you on your way. But it always comes back.
And I think that is what has happened this week. I will pick myself up again, and I will get ready to meet this baby.
The poppyseed is the size of a cantaloupe melon and should be weighing in at around 5lb. Fingernails are reaching the tips of fingers and vernix over the skin is becoming thicker. Baby is getting ready for birth, and so must I.
I must accept now that a section is the only way this baby will make their entrance into the world, and that has to be ok.