I wanted a water birth first time around.
No pain relief.
Who was I kidding?
I thought baby would come early.
Again, who was I kidding?
I thought it would all go- excuse the pun- swimmingly.
Yep.
Four children on and I’m aware that nothing goes to plan. Nothing happens the way you intend it and when it comes to birth, that is never more true. That water birth became an induction at 42 weeks, became a baby in distress, became a baby stuck, became an emergency section. And still I made plans.
I wanted a planned section second time around.
My choice of music in the theatre. No emergencies, no drama. No pain.
That planned section became a ‘no need for a section’, became a baby in distress, became a baby stuck, became a fading heart beat, became a mask on my face, became darkness… became an emergency section. A knife in the wrong place, on my son’s face. A tiny scar that shines when he is sad.
I got my planned section third time around.
And then I wanted a VBAC. Not just any old VBAC. I wanted a VBA3C. I wanted to prove that I could.
And could I? Who knows? I will never get that chance to find out. I wanted four babies. I happily have four babies. I’m done.
And now that I’m done, there’s no pressure hanging over my head any more. No need to strive to prove my worth as a mother. No desire to go back, do it again, get it right. Maybe I didn’t fail after all. Maybe having a c-section might not be that bad after all.
Three of my c-sections may have saved the lives of three of my children. Two definitely did. And one saved my life too. One of my c-sections showed me how beautiful birth could be, no matter how it happens.
There was a time I felt I didn’t give birth to my children; birth happened to me. Despite me. Birth was only possible thanks to the gloved hands of a stranger. Birth was a topic of conversation for someone else.
When night fell on the day that Elsie was born, I lowered myself onto the chair in the shower room at the hospital and wept. For the pain that I was in. For my broken body. For my VBAC dream. For the birth I was mourning. On her due date, I woke at home, my baby in the crib beside me, and the tears fell again. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I couldn’t see what was in front of me. I could only feel despair that things has gone wrong. Again.
Elsie was in front of me. All four of my children were there. And they were there because I had a c-section.
I’ve had four c-sections. And that might be ok after all.
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Aww I understand how you feel about not feeling like you gave birth, I am the same with my daughter and although I plan a VBAC this time round I think I could accept it easier if I have a c-section. Saying that I know if I end up with another section I will, for months, be so upset by it.
It must be so hard to feel out of control like that Suzanne and for things not to go as you planned them to. But as you say, you have got through it and are probably stronger for it and you have four beautiful children to show for it, which perhaps doesn’t make it OK, but maybe makes it worth it in the end xxx
I want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are bloody awesome for having 4 sections and each time its been a different journey and you’ve really really had to think about it all to make that best decision for you and the baby. I’ve only had to do it this one time and yoyo-ing between all the choices is not easy.
Giving birth is such a weird thing – we have such grand designs – for a lucky few those come to fruition. I remember wanting a water birth so much, to be able to catch my own baby. In turns out I couldn’t stand being in the water at all and instead preferred flailing around on the floor and in the end she was sucked out with a vacuum. I still shudder when I think about it! Thanks for sharing #wineandboobs
As you know I’m still waiting to see if I have to have a c-section – the scan to see if the placenta has moved is next week. I’m so worried and scared about the possibility but reading posts like this helps me to realise that at the end of it all I’ll have another baby, however he comes out and as long as he is with me that’s all I should really worry about.
Oh bless you! This is such a great and honest post.
I don’t know how you feel because I didn’t have a C-section on neither births but I think either way… we DO give birth naturally and we DO give birth via C-section.
x
I wanted 4 water births and I got one – not bad odds I guess but was so gutted at the time. #sharewithme
My sister in law had two sections. One nearly took her life too. It doesn’t matter how our babies get here – as long as we grown them – and they arrive! Safely.
xxxx
Such an host post and I love that you share your experiences for others in the same position. I wanted a water birth so badly the first two times and I just never got that opportunity. Its crazy how most birth plans go right out the window because each person and each baby is so different each time and we have to do with what comes and hard to prepare for that unknown. You have done so well hunny. Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
I only know one person who got their water birth and that was my sister. so please she got it! x