I Won’t be Silenced

Those who ask aren’t you over it by now? Those who expect you to have moved on. Those who cannot fathom how something so minor can have such an effect on you, still. Those people? Those people will never get it. Those people will never understand. Those people may never be educated otherwise. Because to those people, what you went through was nothing. No big deal. No reason to complain. Or, it was so awful, so horrid and so terrifying that you should really be mindful of scaring other women. You cannot win.

I Wont Be Silenced_ghostwritermummy.co.ukYou cannot win because birth trauma already claimed the victory. While you were sleeping, or screaming, or crying, or nothing, birth trauma was there. Seeping through your life, into your being and around your soul. and it’s a long and lonely road. Because even I fall to get it sometimes. Even I struggle to comprehend the enormity, how much my life has changed. How much I have changed. And I’m sick, and tired, of feeling like I need to explain. Or apologise. Or pretend. And I’m so, so sick and tired of feeling this way. Of being embarrassed and ashamed of who I am.

Damaged goods? Maybe. But that doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t valid. That’s doesn’t mean my journey is less significant than anyone else’s. That doesn’t mean that my story should be hidden for fear of upsetting others, or making someone else feel uncomfortable. Instead, we should all be joining hands and allowing ourselves to grieve.I Wont Be Silenced_ghostwritermummy.co.uk

I thought I’d had a healing birth. I thought baby number three had finally shown me how wonderful it could be, to the extent that I would be healed. Healed? That’s going to come from me, if at all.
It didn’t heal me. That nice, calm and peaceful birth wasn’t the answer I was looking for. It didn’t change me. It didn’t help, in the end. If this week just passed has taught me anything, it’s that.

Birth trauma has claimed me. It’s time to accept that. It’s time to understand that I am not who I want to be, not yet. I am not healed. I am not at peace. And what scares me most is wondering whether I ever will be, again.

But I will talk about this. I will write about this. And I will campaign for understanding of this. For women like me, hanging on the edges with knuckles so white… For women who need someone to hear them as they scream against the wind… For women who feel they cannot be healed. I won’t be silenced again.

I also write for The Lifestyle Log. Please pop over and read my latest post, wasn’t waving either.

26 Comments

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:47 pm

      Ah thank you, I think so too xx

  1. June 13, 2016 / 11:11 am

    This is your space to write about what YOU want so keep doing what you’re doing. You should never be made to feel like you need to apologise for the way you are feeling, trauma no matter how big or small is still trauma and of course it will have a huge impact on your life and the person you are today. I’m sorry that some of the people around you aren’t being very supportive and can’t understand that. xx
    Vikki Holness recently posted..Play-Doh Town Ice Cream Truck ReviewMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:47 pm

      Thank you lovely xxx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:46 pm

      Thank you xx

  2. June 13, 2016 / 7:29 pm

    A beautifully written post. I know me telling you that you aren’t damaged goods won’t change the way you feel, but I am going to say it anyway – you aren’t.
    I also thought my last birth had healed me, and I suppose to a certain extent it did – in showing me that birth doesn’t have to be traumatic. But it didn’t heal me. It just made me feel more sad for the awful births that had come before.
    Kate Fever recently posted..The EU referendum: Should we stay or should we go?My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:46 pm

      Yes thats how I feel too. So sad at how wrong it all was. I know you understand xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:45 pm

      Thank you xx

  3. June 14, 2016 / 11:58 am

    I find writing a form of therapy and it has helped me process with my birth trauma but as you say I’m not sure you ever ‘deal with it’. I read a really good quote recently on another subject but thought it applies so much. ‘For those who haven’t experienced it, no words will ever be able to describe it. For those who have, there is no need for words.’ Keep writing, keep sharing your story and keep doing whatever you need to do for yourself and others – but remember there are women out there that do feel your pain and do get it. x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:45 pm

      Thank you, that means a lot. What a wonderful quote- it really does make sense xx

  4. June 14, 2016 / 2:17 pm

    good for you, if its affected you that much, why should you keep it to yourself x

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:44 pm

      Thank you, I agree! x

  5. June 14, 2016 / 3:26 pm

    I am so sorry. You have written this so well, it can be a horrendous experience for some. Do you ever really get over a trauma? Time does heal to some extent. I hope you can eventually get over the experience you had
    Mellissa Williams recently posted..Village Hotel Swansea Review With BuyagiftMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:44 pm

      Thank you, I hope so too xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:43 pm

      Thank you xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:42 pm

      I’m sorry you had a traumatic time too, but glad time has been a healer for you xx

  6. June 15, 2016 / 10:22 am

    And nor should you be silenced. This is such a powerful piece and beautiful written.

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:35 pm

      Thank you xx

  7. June 16, 2016 / 8:59 am

    I am so sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s horrible that anyone has to bear psychological scars but you have eloquently conveyed your pain x
    Zoe Alicia recently posted..My Week in Photos #2My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:32 pm

      Thank you xxx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      June 20, 2016 / 2:32 pm

      Thanks lovely, I intend to keep talking x

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