My Journey Has Only Just Begun

I didn't complain~ #birthtrauma :ghostwritermummy.co.uk

I’ve fallen down before, many times. And each time I’ve risen again. Maybe not quite dusted myself off, but risen none the less. Maybe on shaky legs and tentative toes, but risen none the less. Maybe slowly, but surely none the less. And as I sit here tonight, thinking over the way today has gone, I’m starting to realise that this has been here all along. It’s no surprise, not really. It’s been lurking for months, years even. It’s been waiting for me to notice it. It’s been peeping around door frames and hiding under beds, waiting. Holding its breath, biding it’s time. Waiting, just waiting, for me to accept its prescience. And now that I have? I must get up.

I must go on. I am a mother and I must go on.

But first, a rest if I may.

I was feeling so cross with myself! I was sure, so sure, that my journey was almost complete. I didn’t know it was only just beginning. That my decisions had been holding me aback, preventing me from travelling further. Instead, I’ve been going around and around and around in circles. Chasing my tail like a faithful dog, so determined to show the world how strong I am and how far I’ve come. In reality though, I’m no different from every other mum who sits with her head in her hands as she admits, at last, that she’s a little bit broken.

Post natal anxiety.

Depression.

Exhaustion.

All of those things are ME. Me, the mum who decided three weeks was long enough to take for maternity leave, before getting back to the business of proving how strong and how capable she is. Me, who refused to seek help, insisting instead that writing was her therapy and she’ll sort her own way out of it all thank you very much. Me, who truly truly believed that she was actually ok.

It seems two pregnancies in a short space of time following a traumatic birth actually is enough to tip you over. A stressful pregnancy is enough. Months and months and months of broken and disturbed sleep. A child with health issues. A busy house. All the stuff that comes with being mum.

I want to be me, too. But I don’t know who that is right now. All I know is that my journey really is only just beginning.

17 Comments

  1. June 29, 2016 / 11:14 am

    I suffer from depression and anxiety too. I had PND that went undetected for 2 years after my daughter was born. That was really hard to recover from. This time I have been watched like a hawk and given more support. I feel like it is controlled much better. Thinking of you and sending strong thoughts for your journey. xx
    Charlotte recently posted..Bow & The Shaving FoamMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 7:52 pm

      I’m glad you’ve had support this time around. Its so hard to admit when things aren’t quite right isn’t it? Sometimes you need someone to see it for you xx

  2. June 29, 2016 / 11:50 am

    Thinking of you and sending love your way. Sometimes life has a funny way of working its self out and actually pushing us into the right direction whether that is what we want or not. Maybe you do need to try and take a step back from everything for yourself. I hope you sort something out that works for you xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      September 8, 2016 / 4:55 pm

      Oh thank you so much. I’m so sorry for the late reply xx

  3. June 30, 2016 / 12:13 pm

    The journey continues, it doesn’t end. I know it’s hard, I know what feeling like a failure is like, but you are not a failure. You are strong and I am proud of you for getting back up so many times and for sharing your story xx
    Zoe Alicia recently posted..My Week in Photos #4My Profile

  4. June 30, 2016 / 12:39 pm

    What a wonderfully honest post. Sending lots of love to get you through the tough times and always remember there’s a huge online community of support in all of us, if you need us. You are a strong mama and you’ll get through it. Be kind to yourself and take it slowly x
    This Mama Life recently posted..Children’s Outdoor Toys Wishlist*My Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 7:51 pm

      Thank you so much, everyone has been so kind xx

  5. June 30, 2016 / 12:57 pm

    Oh I am sending so much love your way! I think that finally admitting to ourselves that we are not okay, that we need help, and that we cannot continue the way that we are trying to, is one of the hardest, strongest, and more courageous things we can ever do. It is so easy to fall into the trap of truly believing we are okay or attributing signs and symptoms as being caused by x, y and z, when really it is something else entirely. I’ve done the same thing, even doggedly avoiding the reality at times because I just didn’t want to accept it, but the longer we do that the more we suffer. So feel proud of the fact that you have stopped and taken stock and realised what you need to do to help you heal… Your journey may have only just begun, but it HAS begun xx
    Amanda recently posted..I Had to Miss #BML16 – My Greatest Motivation to HealMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 7:51 pm

      Thank you xx

  6. July 2, 2016 / 8:32 pm

    Oh mama, this is heartbreaking to read. Sending hugs, coffee… wine! I too had a traumatic labour on my last. She arrived in my hallway with seconds to spare as the fire brigade strolled up my driveway. It still haunts me. So I get that. As for everything else you will get through it, it will take time but you’ve all the time in the world!!!
    Kellie Kearney recently posted..Pregnancy Update Week 36My Profile

  7. July 2, 2016 / 10:51 pm

    Oh lovely, I just want to give you a massive hug. There are so many times that I have thought that I was almost out of the shadow of my depression, only to realise that I had pretending. That I had been pretending that I was fine to protect everyone else. And also because I didn’t want to admit the truth. Because admitting that you are struggling and can’t do everything on our own is hard. Especially as a mum. But excepting that life is really tough is the first step on the journey. And I promise it is not a road that you are travelling down alone. Many of us have been on it and we can help show you the way. Massive hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted..What I wore … for afternoon tea at the savoyMy Profile

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 7:50 pm

      Thanks lovely, I really appreciate it xx x

  8. July 3, 2016 / 12:50 pm

    Sending huge hugs. It was lovely to see you this morning. We really must catch up soon. I’m always here if you need a chat / moan / break xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 7:50 pm

      Thanks lovely. Yes we need to meet up for cake!! haha we’ve been saying for years, let’s sort something finally x x

  9. July 8, 2016 / 9:37 am

    Admitting I needed help was the best thing I ever did. It led to finally getting my son diagnosed with ASD and the realisation that I wasn’t totally rubbish at parenting. Its hard to keep going though, when you just want to curl up, so strength and courage to you.

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      July 28, 2016 / 7:48 pm

      Thank you so much, same back to you xx

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