I Have a Voice

On Saturday I’ll be attending the Women’s Voices Conference in London, to share my story with other mothers, doctors, midwives and campaigners. I’ll be standing up with pride and with determination. Because I have a voice. And you have a voice. And we need to start using those voices. We need to be heard.

Luka's birth story~ Ghostwritermummy.co.ukIn just three weeks, I will have been a mother for twelve years. Twelve years! I cannot believe it has been that long since my first born baby girl was placed into my arms and my world was given a huge shake from within. In those twelve years I have seen a lot. I have learned a lot. And I have gained so much. If I was to tell you what I have brought away from the last twelve years it is this.

Strength

Resilience

Determination

The knowledge that these children need me, and they need me to be the best that  I can be. And believe me when I say that I am doing all that I can to be the best. A role model they can look up to. A strong woman who does not allow others to push her around. A person they might like to be themselves, one day.

I have decided I must navigate this mountain. After all, who else is going to show my children the way? And in doing so I’ve attempted to make amends with the past. Last week I wanted so badly to face up to events that have taken so much from me. Stolen my sleep, my patience, and my courage. Replaced them with fear, anxiety and insomnia.I wanted so badly to face up to it all and take it on the chin, to show my children I could. I am strong. I am powerful.

I’ve heard mixed reviews about debriefs after birth trauma. Some say that reading through the birth notes has allowed them to finally understand and to make peace with it all. Others have said that their debrief unearthed too many painful memories and set their recovery back further than they could have imagined. Its a gamble. I knew that. But I spoke to my counsellor and we both felt that it was something that could help. I have too many questions that I know I need answers to. And the time felt right.

It was hard sitting in that waiting room, back at the hospital where he was born. I’d spent the last nearly seven years avoiding the place, and yet there I was all of a sudden. Sitting on the same old chairs, placed in the same positions as they were then. Posters on the walls and a row of closed doors, behind which doctors were busy deciding the fate of women. But I sat there, and I waited. Because this was important. Reading through my birth notes was important. I needed to know.

I still need to know.I have a voice_Ghostwritermummy.co.uk

My birth notes are missing. There is nothing. No record of my son and I after I was admitted to the delivery ward. And while I’ve been assured that they will be found, and I will find some closure, I really am not convinced. If they’re gone now, how will they find them? And if they are not at the hospital, where they are supposed to be, where are they? Where are my answers?

I have a voice. I will use it. And I will not let this set me back.

 

9 Comments

  1. September 29, 2016 / 9:27 pm

    Oh no, I hope they find them quickly and it gives you the closure you should have. They only went through my first labour notes during my second pregnancy and I was so shocked at some of the risks they highlighted. I finally got some closure though. Hope the women’s vice conference goes really well x
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    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      October 22, 2016 / 7:01 am

      I hope so too! Watch this space x

  2. September 30, 2016 / 1:14 pm

    Oh No! I do hope they find them for you. I know a couple of women who have had debriefs, in both occasions it’s really helped both of them understand why things happened and why decisions were made.
    I often think that I should read through my notes from Sams delivery, so much happened so quickly I understand what happened but I still have so many questions about how he was before I was rushed to surgery.
    I think you will be fantastic speaking at the weekend. Using your own voice to give others courage is definitely something your children will be proud of.

  3. September 30, 2016 / 7:39 pm

    I hope that it goes well for you at the Women’s Voices Conference; such strong and truthful words written here and you are amazing for speaking out. And I really hope that the hospital do manage to find your notes and that you are able to find some form of closure and peace from reading through them x

  4. October 3, 2016 / 2:42 pm

    Big hugs lady, you are an inspiration to me. I hope they find those birth notes for you and hope they can help you in your journey xxx

  5. October 9, 2016 / 5:32 pm

    I find it completely preposterous that your notes could ever be missing! I really hope you find some closure, some answers. Xx

    • ghostwritermummy
      Author
      October 22, 2016 / 7:01 am

      I’ll find out more next month as I have to meet again to see if they’ve been found! x x

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