This time of year can be strange- as the year draws to a close, lots of us find ourselves looking back on things that have happened, places we’ve been to and people we’ve met. Some years are bigger than others, but no less significant. And this year for me has been pretty huge. A pregnancy. A difficult pregnancy. The preciousness of life hanging by a thread. Control changing hands just when I needed it to be mine. Fear of the unknown. And then a baby! A healthy baby. The perfect ending; a year come full circle and perhaps time now to reflect, to be looking backwards but moving forwards.
As 2014 ends I know that I am lucky, despite the turbulence we’ve had to endure. It’s always strange to look back and wonder if you would have done anything differently if you’d known what was going to happen. And honestly? I’m not sure I could have, even if I wanted to. Sometimes we mght like to think we can predict the future with Tarot card readings, or a crystal ball, but sometimes npbody can really see what’s up ahead at all. (more…)
In May I published this post to announce my fourth pregnancy. I was 14 weeks pregnant and already weeks into the horrendous sickness that debilitated me for so long.
I was happy to be pregnant. I was excited; I’d always wanted four children and that dream was becoming reality at last!
But the sickness was horrific. The medication helped, but it never really went away. The emotional scars of feeling so desperate, too scared to leave the house incase I was sick all over people I didn’t know, hating the sight of the kitchen because it meant food, lying on the floor at 7pm every night while my eldest daughter helped to put her brother and sister to bed… the emotional scars of all of that run deep, even now.
I stopped taking my medication at 27 weeks pregnant, and give or take a few sick days here and there I was lucky enough not to need any more at all.
My Positive Pregnancy
What they don’t know about the sickness
It lasts long after the heaving ends.
Long after the waves stop sweeping and crashing and sweeping and crashing and sweeping.
It leaves an imprint on your confidence. It leaves a bitter taste. It leaves a scar. It stays to remind you that it can come back at any time it likes. And it will. It leaves memories deeply etched on your bones; of feeling like your body is on fire and your mind is mush and all you want is someone to hold back your hair and you physically cannot keep this up for one second longer.
But you do.
You do, because there really is no other choice. And it shall pass. And you know that. You take a pill and you close your eyes and you find some relief, somewhere, somehow.
But what they don’t know about the sickness
You can’t do all the same things that you used to, before.
You can’t travel long distances, or go to places you think will be crowded, or hot, or busy, or strange. Or the loos will be hard to find and you won’t have spare clothes and you don’t know the people around you. (more…)