Barely even able to believe it. Eighteen months have flown since that first moment we held that tiny little scrap of a baby in our arms. Since she was plucked form the warmth and brought into the world. Since she made her mark in the family. And what a mark it has been! Elsie Rose is everything that we dared to imagine. Feisty. strong willed, funny and energetic. And though she has only been here for 18 months, we truly feel she has been here forever.
I want to bottle now. Now, in all it’s imperfect glory. All the tantrums, early mornings and night wakings. All the hospital appointments, mealtime battles and hair wash sagas. All the arm grabbing, toy snatching and leg pulling reflux. These are the not so great moments in life with Elsie Rose. But they are the reality, and only such a small part of who she is. I want to bottle it all, because it is all so precious. And it will all be over so soon, leaving a space that no other baby will fill.
She is the last. (more…)
I just read my lovely friend Emma’s latest post on one of the most recent #MatExp campaigns, #NobodysPatient and felt compelled to write. I can feel months and months of frustration and anger and sadness bubbling under my skin as I sit here and I think WHY did I not see it? WHY did I not speak up? WHY did I allow myself to fall through the cracks? I am nobody’s patient. You could be nobody’s patient. Our daughters could be nobody’s patient. Changes are needed and that starts now.
During my fourth pregnancy, I battled with some demons. I started out so positive, so determined to make this pregnancy count. My last chance. I needed to get it right. I needed to settle a score. I needed to trust in my body and my abilities and I needed to see it through to the end. For me, that end was a vaginal birth. I can’t say ‘normal’ or ‘natural’ but I can say vaginal. I did not want to end up on an operating table, and I have so many reasons for that. Control. Choice. Power. I needed it all this time. (more…)
Before, when she was just an image in my mind, a blob on a screen, we lived in the day to day. One day at a time, they said. From one appointment to another. Scan by scan. And soon she would be here. But we couldn’t think about that. Couldn’t see a baby in all the panic and worry. Couldn’t imagine a life with four children, rather than three. Another girl to add to the mix. It just didn’t compute. We had to get through the pregnancy. Stroke the bump. Talk to the bump. Take pictures of the bump. As if this pregnancy would be over so soon, and we would forget what it was like. As if we had all the time in the world. As if our world was not about to be turned upside down all over again. And, now she is here.
I’ve read lots about the aftermath of HG but never really gave it a lot of thought since Elsie arrived. I’ve looked back on the time I spent on medication as a kind of greyish black time. It was a lonely time. Isolating. Scary. But ultimately, it ended. By 28 weeks I was medication free and despite a brief period of sickness after that, I managed to turn my back on HG for good by the time i was being monitored for Elsie’s growth .
And so began the questions. My baby wasn’t growing and I needed to know if the medication I’d been taken had anything to do with that. I suppose not, but you can’t help wondering. I didn’t write much about HG. Mainly I felt that I didn’t suffer as much as many women and for that reason I felt I didn’t really have much to say that could add weight to the fact that HG is one hell of a torrid and disturbing ride. Also I genuinely found it hard to write about it whilst it had me in its grip, and then IUGR took ahold and I needed to put the sickness to one side to concentrate. To get my baby in my arms. To know that it had all been worth it. (more…)