Last week we had a routine check up at the hospital with Elsie’s paediatrician. Usually we marvel at how well she’s doing, despite the reflux and allergies. Despite her rocky beginnings. Despite the agonising months we spent fearing the worse. This time though, we came away with a trebled dose of medication for the reflux and a steroid inhaler for restricted airways possibly related to asthma, possibly allergies. It felt like a step backwards. A falter where other babies were moving onwards and upwards. A stumble in the path where other babies were sailing.
It’s been pretty quite over here. It hasn’t been intentional. Sometimes the fog drops so low that I cannot make my fingers type out the words in my head. Sometimes I crave space, and time. Sometimes I simply cannot imagine writing it at all.
Time to come in, out of the dark.
Last week something pretty wonderful happened. I was shortlisted for the Seraphine Mums Voice award in the Tommy’s baby awards. I’ll be attending the ceremony in March, along with wonderful friends Jenny and Leigh. To be a finalist in these awards has made me realise that this is not over. How can it be, when so many women and their families are still suffering the same as me, still sitting in the dark?
I’ve always been honest about my experiences. I’ve written about birth trauma, HG and IUGR because I needed to. I needed to share, to lessen the load. But it’s different now. Because in sharing I found I was helping, if only in a small way.
You are not alone.
You are not going crazy.
You do deserve answers. (more…)
I’m afraid of dogs. I’m also afraid of telling people I’m afraid of dogs. Many people really don’t understand. They can be indignant- Why don’t you like dogs? Dogs are awesome! They can also be defensive. Their dog is obviously the best dog ever, and there is no reason whatsoever to be afraid. But I am. That is me. And I don’t really tell people because I’m embarrassed. I’m well aware that I’m ‘supposed’ to like dogs. I don’t want people making a fuss- putting the dogs away in another room and mentioning it the whole time I’m there. But I also don’t want dogs to come near me either, so if my body language doesn’t give me away, I usually have to confess.
For the most part, my fear of dogs is irrational. Most dogs really won’t attack me and in case you’re wondering- no, I’ve never been bitten by a dog.
And so this is why post natal anxiety sometimes needs to be put on a leash.
My anxiety is like a dog. Always there, somewhere. Thankfully in another room, away from me most of the time. But every now and then, I’m in a park. And I’m surrounded by dogs with careless or thoughtless owners. Dogs that are sniffing by my ankles and jumping up at my legs. Some dogs are even barking. (more…)
It’s been an amazing year. Despite the crushing lows there have been dizzying highs. Despite the sleepless nights that seem to drag my spirit along the ground. Despite the hospital appointments and stressful workload. Despite this, its been amazing. Because this year I found my voice, and I decided to make it count.
This year I made it to the finals of two different blogging awards. I made as a finalist in the Inspire category of the BIBs2015 and as a finalist in the Best Pregnancy category in the MADs2015. At the latter, I also made it to the finals of the Outstanding Contribution category, and for this honour I was given a trophy to take home. Amazing. And last night I received an email that actually blew me away. I’ve been long listed in the Seraphine Mum’s Voice award at the Tommy’s Awards. (more…)