mental health

Can you Change your Sleep Habits?

Almost nine years ago I stepped into the GP’s consulting room to ask for sleeping tablets. It wasn’t a decision taken lightly. In fact, it had taken me weeks to work up the courage to even make the appointment, and up until the words left my mouth I wasn’t sure I would even go through with it. I found seeking help so very difficult. I felt like such a failure for even being there, feeling dreadful rather than at home enjoying my new baby and his sister. But the truth was that I was in a state, and I needed help. Reaching out was so hard to do, but I had no other option. I needed to sleep. I was tired- SO tired- of spending all night being either forcefully woken with the demands of a new baby I had yet to bond with, or lying and wrestling with my own relentless brain. Was it worth going to sleep? Would I get enough sleep if I closed my eyes now, or should I lie awake until the baby wakes again? Should I just stay a little longer outside his room making sure he’s breathing at least, or should I do something to quieten my obsessive fears? Sleep had become everything. My son’s birth left a huge Can You Change your Sleep Habits? in my life that is only now starting to fill with good things once more… back then, the gaping vastness of black was swallowing me whole and all I wanted to do was sleep.

Over the years since the day I attempted to seek help, I’ve come to realise that lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me when it comes to anxiety, stress and low mood. I know I need to keep a handle on it, watch how many late nights I get (or how many early mornings, for that matter!) and take action before my mental health deteriorates. I know only too well how quickly sleep deprivation can envelop me, change my way of thinking. How it can take over my rational thoughts, my physical wellness and my ability to handle the slightest amount of stress. The importance of sleep really cannot be understated, but can you really change your sleep habits?

The thing is, although I know how important it is to get good quality sleep, there are often many things beyond my control that hinder it. Children, for one. Vitamin deficiencies for another. The right mattress and pillow combination. The whole package needs to work right for the sleep to be classed as good, and sadly it’s not always the case for me. I was recently contacted by Tempur, following a recent campaign to raise money for Mind, the mental health charity. For every mattress purchased in May, Tempur made a donation to the charity, to aid valuable research into the links between sleep and mental health. According to the charity, there’s a really close relationship between sleep and mental health- dealing with emotional stresses can have a direct impact on how well you sleep, which in turn then has an effect on your mental health. I recognise this spiral of almost unstoppable ripples- I’ve gone from believing I needed sleeping tablets to block out the trauma of my son’s birth, to eventually admitting that I would not improve my sleep until I dealt with the whole mess of it all. And there are still days where I feel so physically and emotionally exhausted that all I want to do is curl up and cry, and sleep, and sleep some more.

Poor sleep leads to worrying. Worrying leads to poor sleep. Worrying about sleep is like your mind trying to fight itself. That’s a horrible place to be.


So what have I done? What I am now doing to change my sleep habits? Can you even really change your sleep habits? For me, it’s a lifelong commitment. I’ve worked really hard in the last two years to make sleep a Can You Change your Sleep Habits? for me. I need those around me to realise that I cannot function on little sleep, and that sometimes I may need to bow out for a while so that I can re-charge and regenerate. That means early nights, and fewer early mornings. That means recognising the signs that I am doing too much and need to slow down. That means putting myself and my own needs first sometimes. It’s a work in progress, but that’s ok. Sometimes I might cancel plans, or I might turn down invitations for nights out but I’m ok with that. I’m fine with more early nights and I’m happy to forgo that glass of wine and that chocolate bar because I know my body. I know my mind. And for me, eating well, sleeping well and feeling well means I will sleep well- and a good night these days is priceless.

This post is in conjunction with Tempur but all thoughts are my own


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Writing For a Cause

The first time I sat down to write a blog post I never once imagined it was anything more than a diary entry. For me. Not for you, or for your sister or your friend or anyone else. I didn’t even publish the first few posts because it was the act of writing them that mattered more than anything else. But like every other writer, I needed an audience and I soon discovered I needed a purpose too. Writing for a cause just kind of happened.

I started by writing about my son. My beautiful boy, who was ripped from my body in a blur of panic and white hot fear. Born into silence. Born into chaos. Born alone, while I slept. I needed to write. I needed to spew forth all the emotions and the confusion that was rattling around inside me and I needed to try and make sense of it somehow. Writing has always been my release, ever since I was a child, and it’s only i am not for me to need the prop during times of crisis.  (more…)


Breastfeeding Helped Me After a Traumatic Birth

Breastfeeding Helped Me After a Traumatic second baby was born amidst beeps and wires. A stranger’s hands plucked him from my body and thrust him into the world. A stranger’s hands held him close, and willed him to take a breath. A stranger’s hands were his first experience of human contact, in a cold and sterile operating theatre. His little blue body was taken away to have tubes inserted and his chest massaged. And he did it. He breathed. He turned pink. He screamed!

And all the while, I slept.

And when I awoke, there was this baby. He was wrapped in a blue blanket and though I knew that I was supposed to have a baby, I couldn’t help but wonder who he was. Why were they placing this baby on my chest and telling me to feed him? Why did my arms feel like lead? And why, oh why, did I want to run away and scream into the sky? (more…)


Maybe He Was Happy After All

One of the things that has always haunted me since my son’s birth and the first, very difficult, years of his life is the guilt. Guilt over what I should have done differently. Guilt over the way I found it so hard to be his mum. Guilt over the things he missed out on, because I was such a mess. My memories of the first year of his life are dark, almost shrouded in shadows of fear and despair. I don’t remember smiling. I don’t remember him smiling. I don’t remember baby giggles or first smiles or excited clapping. I don’t remember anything but sadness. I remember he cried a lot. I cried a lot too. I remember he rarely slept. I slept even less. I remember he rejected me constantly in favour of daddy. But I rejected him too.

Maybe he was happy after then recently we came across some long forgotten home movies, shot in the weeks before and after he was born. My first instinct was to shut them down, turn the TV off and hide away from the horrible reality of what I was like back then. I didn’t want to see that woman, pretending to be a mother. I knew I’d see the truth in her eyes, and I was terrified of seeing that blank nothingness that filled my days back then. I couldn’t- shouldn’t- watch, and yet I was impelled to do just that. (more…)


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