I remember lying on the operating table, waiting for my body to be sliced open a third time. My third baby was about to be born and the anticipation was literally dripping from the hushed voices around me. All was calm. All was still. All was just so. I looked up at the huge light above the table as the anaesthetic coursed through my legs, sending a warm and fuzzy daze through my body, and all of a sudden I was gripped with fear. And I thought: I am never ever going to do this again.
Let me take you back. Twice previously my body had been cut open, but in very different circumstances. Each emergency c-section had almost been a sweet relief. Intensely painful contractions and highly tense emotions came to an end, just like that. Terror, fear and agony out like a light. As was I. (more…)
#MatExp, baby, birth trauma, c-section, Charity, Elsie, HG, Isobel, IUGR, learning through play, Luka, Maternity Matters, parenting, pregnancy, Reflux
This blog is five years old today. I wish I had a milestone card for that.
Five years ago I sat in my kitchen and realised that something had to change. I’d spent much of the day in tears, re-living The School Boy’s birth. It was ten months on, he was a lovely warm, happy, sleeping baby with eyes so blue and a wide smile… and yet I still could not talk about what happened without some kind of cold dread pulling me down. A couple of months previously I’d been to my GP to ask for help and had been sent away again to ‘think about antidepressants’. I already knew I wasn’t depressed (PTSD is often misdiagnosed after birth) but I knew I needed something. An outlet. A way to work through what I was feeling. A way to re-gather my strength, lest I fall apart completely.
So i started this blog. I forget what was the final push. But here we are.
I wrote my son’s birth story and was amazed that people got in touch to say that it had moved them, they understood, I wasn’t alone. (more…)
This time last year I was sitting in an airless waiting room, waiting. Waiting. Waiting. A second set of steroid jabs were on the cards. An hour on the CTG, a pre-op appointment. Then home. Home, to spend a last night with my family of five. To take my toddler up to bed for the last time as the baby of the family. To read a bedtime story ahead of a huge change in their little lives.
It wasn’t to be.
There had been too many instances of reduced movements. Today’s CTG was not the same as all the others. Not quite so reassuring. They were not happy to send me home.
And all of a sudden, everything flashed before me. All those weeks of waiting, and seeing, such a waste. They should have taken her out at 34 weeks, like the original plan. They should have listened harder when I told them over, and over and over I don’t feel her moving!
They should have ended this pregnancy before it ended itself. (more…)
Tomorrow Elsie and I will be travelling down to London for the MAD blog awards. And I want to say thank you in advance. No, I’m not being that presumptuous! I want to say thank you for different reasons.
To you, my readers. To my wonderful sponsor. To my baby girl. Campaigning for votes seems like such a long time ago!
To all who read this little blog, and to all who comment or email me to tell me that what I’ve written means something to them: thank you. I hope you don’t mind me saying though, that I don’t write this blog for you. I write it for me. And in that respect, I need this blog.
My pregnancy with Elsie was really hard. If you read our journey, you know that already. But writing about each step in our rocky road taught me a few things. I have some wonderful friends. Both online and in real life. And you guys were there for me when I needed you. I cannot name you (you know who you are) as I am too afraid to miss someone by mistake. Just know that your support last year meant a lot, and I will always do my best to re-pay that to you. (more…)