As we go into the new year, I suppose lots of us start to look back and to ponder over the year that has passed… wow. So much has happened this year that its really hard NOT to find myself saying ‘this time last year…’ So here goes.
This time last year…
We had no heating or hot water, in the middle of the worse snowfall I ever remember seeing. True, we had a beautiful winter wonderland right outside our front door, but we also had a three week old baby and were trying to bathe in an inch of hot water from the kettle. I spent most of New Year’s Eve crouched by the bathtub in tears.
I was in terrific emotional and physical pain following the birth of my son and struggling to bond with the screaming, inconsolable bundle we brought home from the hospital. I couldn’t talk about the birth without crying and yet I wanted to talk about it ALL the time. It’s all I thought about, dreamt about and cried about. Which leads me on to the real reason for my post. My friends.
I did the whole baby group thing this time around, mainly because I didn’t feel I would cope being in the house on my own with the baby. I knew I needed support. I forced myself to attend baby group- on my own, get me!- and I made some wonderful friends. I forced myself to get in touch with an old uni friend who was still around and had had a little girl a month before I had my boy. I forged friendships and support groups online. I met up with old friends I hadn’t seen for months. I think my friends saved me. Without these people, I don’t know if I would have a smile as big as I do today. I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve been angry and I’ve been sad. I’ve grieved over things that happened and I’ve fallen apart, into little pieces. And my friends have picked me up again and put me back together like a jigsaw puzzle. I think there are some edge pieces missing, but its all there in the midle where it counts and that’s all down to them. So…
This New Year’s Eve, I will be raising a glass to the people who have been there for me this year, despite their own crappy problems and their own bits of life they needed to deal with. I’ll be thinkning of all my new, old, rediscovered, virtual and casual mummy friends- without them, I would still be that puzzle with the most important piece missing. With them, I make sense. Thanks, ladies. Mwah! XxX
The kids are away. It wasn’t exactly planned but its happened and I’m finding it very difficult. I’d dreamt of being able to cook without having a small child attached to my legs. What fun to take a bath without a small child attached to my legs! Imagine taking a walk to the pub without… you get the idea. In reality, I haven’t cooked- we’ve eaten street hotdogs (YUK!) and a sandwhich since they’ve been gone. I did take a bath, but I put too much cold in and couldn’t be bothered to take some out and run it again. In essence, not having the chidlren really sucks.
I’ve spoken to my mum and the big one. I’ve heard the little one babbling in the background and my goodness how I miss those little hands clinging on to my legs! I’m longing to be unable to walk across the kitchen without adopting a silly walk designed to keep the baby upright. I miss his snotty kisses and his scratchy nails. I miss the big one’s full body hugs and temporary sulks. I miss them!
Ok, so part two. These are the resolutions I want to keep, or at least try very hard to achieve. These are the ones I have given thought to and aren’t simply repeated year after year. These are for this year, in reflection of last year and they actually mean something.
1. Say what I think, instead of what I think people want to hear.
2. Cherish what I have, instead of pining for what I used to have and what I think I could have had.
3. Celebrate the quirks and traits that make my loved ones my loved ones.
4. Drop the guilt.
Number four will be the most difficult. Number one will need a lot of work for me but I think I can do it. Number two and three are the easiest but perhaps the most important. Oh, and I REALLY want to stop biting my nails.
I always thought that New Year’s resolutions were made to be broken and so I always half-heartedly made them and then broke them. These days, I still think that New Year’s resolutions are made to be broken- well, most of them are, anyway. With the most difficult year of my life drawing to an end, it doesn’t seem right not to have learnt anything from it or to simply move into the next year without even considering things that I can change, being who I am now. So I’m dividing my resolutions. The first part will be resolutions I can make easily and therefore disregard easily once I get back into the swing of post-Christmas life. The second part will be the ones that I have actually considered and think will make real changes to my life. These are the important ones; one I will try to keep and assess why I couldn’t. These are the ones I won’t beat myself up over.
1. Be more organised. Its no longer acceptable to boot myself and the kids out of the door two minutes before we have to leave, knowing that getting all the bags and bodies into the car will take much longer than that.
2. Eat three meals a day. Ok, sometimes breakfast is not an option (see number 1) and there is rarely time for lunch given the fact I have to prepare at least four different meals before the baby will eat anything and then its nap time. BUT its becoming clear that a crumpet is no fit meal for a busy mum or a working man once the kids are in bed.
3. Stop making excuses. See number 2.
4. Stop biting my nails. Yeah, right.
5. Encourage E to do her homework. Yeah, right. She’s in year one and yes, I know that as a teacher I should be on top of this. But, like I said, she’s in year one for goodness sake! Homework, shomework. What happened to being a kid? Save the homework for GCSEs.
6. Tidy up more. But two kids and a tidy house really don’t go together well. Also, see number 3.
7. Drink less coffee. I will do this once the baby starts to sleep.
8. Stop pining for another baby. Time will tell. Pregnancy makes me sick, labour hurts, newborn babies cry more than the one I have. Be patient. See number 9.
9. Be patient. Hmm.
10. Look at the things I write on the calendar and try to be on time more. Is it still fashionable to be late?
This needs more consideration. If its ok, I will add part two when I have chance to think clearly. At the moment, I have three piles of washing to do, nails to bite and coffee to drink. Oh, and I’m running late for something I’mn sure I was meant to do but its not on the calendar…