I am many things. Mum, wife, sister, friend, colleague, random lady in the gym… many things to others, but only one to me. I am me. And in the 41 years that I’ve been on this planet, there is only one time that I can recall ever being totally 100% confident in who that ‘me’ is. I was two. Two. I was climbing the mountainous stairs at the home where I lived at the time, and I remember looking up and feeling like those stairs would go on forever, that to reach the top would be the biggest achievement of my life. And someone- I don’t recall who- asked me, ‘How old are you?’. I replied with such gusto, such self importance and such confidence: ‘I’m TWO!’ To be that sure of myself, that proud… I mean, on a literal level of course I know how old I am now. Old.
But on a whole other level, I envy this two year old me who was so happy in her skin, so self assured and so determined. These are all attributes you could apply to me now, from time to time, and there are indeed days where I feel like that feisty toddler climbing those huge stairs again… but there are also times when I definitely don’t. I am many things, but I am not always that confident in my ability to be ‘me’….
It’s been almost two since we converted our garage into an extra, much needed, room. The idea was to create an office for us both to work from home in, but its quickly become so much more than that. And by that I mean- its now filled with two sofas, an x-box, a TV and LOADS of toys! Oh, and my desk. The problem is that once you renovate a part of the house like this, the rest of your home starts to look a little tired. We bought this house ten years ago after it had been renovated from top to bottom, so now its in desperate need of a little updating and TLC. We realised the other day that we’ve now had our ‘new’ kitchen for seven years! Time for an update? The thought fills me with dread! I decided to source some tips and snippets of advice on how to maintain sanity during a house renovation- maybe it will happen in 2019?
One of the most challenging aspects of parenting, hands down, is mealtimes. I won’t lie, having four children only increases that challenge and with all four of them being fairly fussy eaters, food has often been the source of many tears, frustrations and arguments over the years. The thing is, I’ve tried really hard to make sure that any associations the kids have with food is positive, and with two of them having allergies and intolerances its not always been easy. There are so many pressures piled onto parents when it comes to feeding their kids- and news reports on childhood obesity and related illnesses are increasing the overwhelming necessity to get it right.
Eight years ago, almost to the day, I opened a WordPress account and joined the UK parent blogging community. I was pretty sure nobody would really want to read what I had to say, and even more sure that I didn’t want them to either. Now, reading back on old posts is a fairly uncomfortable experience. When I first started to write about my son’s birth I was in a bad place. I mean, a really bad place. Almost at the bottom of the gaping blackness of grief, anger, despair. Almost. Not quite. And while its hard to read back the words that literally spewed themselves onto the pages back then, I cannot ever bring myself to erase them. They’ve been such a huge part of my story, my journey, and my recovery. I used to think I was defined by my story, and that this blog was too. But now I see it. I’m defined by what my story has taught me. I’m defined by the strength I’ve built. I’m defined by every single person who reads my story, who takes the time to say ‘thank you for sharing’ or even ‘how dare you share’; every single person who lifts me, and even those who do not. I can’t pretend that everyone who has been a part of my journey has been a positive force, but in realising that for myself I have learned so much. So for every single person that has been here, in whatever way that may have been: thank you….