Today I am 37 weeks and 4 days pregnant with baby number 4. I am now hours away from meeting our little poppyseed, and if I’m honest I’m still struggling to accept how it is all happening. Without meaning to sound like a stuck record, so forgive me, but I am feeling so desperately sad that I won’t get my VBAC after all. And I am anxious that the surgeons will have reason not to lower the screen when baby is born, that they won’t let me hold my baby straight after birth. This is a real possibility, and something that has happened to me three times already. This is my last chance to get that moment, skin to skin, and I don’t want to lose it. I am scared.
I am scared that all will not be well when baby arrives.
I am scared that ‘unexplained IUGR’ will suddenly have an explanation that requires action, attention, things to happen.
I am scared that I will struggle to accept this baby after such a stressful pregnancy; this has happened before and I am desperately worried that it could happen again.
I am scared that nobody will understand. That nobody does understand. I’ve missed the interaction with midwives during this pregnancy. Being able to talk to someone about how I am feeling, rather than how big baby is, when baby last moved, and how much longer this pregnancy will progress.
I am scared that nobody understands how devastated I am to have had the reality of this last pregnancy ripped away from the dreams I had for it all those weeks ago….